Today has been mildly miserable for me.
After yesterday’s post about no one wanting to invest an entire day with me (I get about 5 hour increments from everyone) I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking. It’s 7:23 pm on Valentine’s Day as I type and not one of my lovers has even said hello to me today. NOT ONE. I have fucking four.
And here’s the tidy little corner I’ve painted myself into. I said, “Here are the rules, fellas! No feelings! No monogamy! No staying the night! No affection!” And now, after months of spending time with them (mostly The Neighbor) I – you guessed it – have feelings! might want monogamy! want to stay the night! want affection!
Fuck my goddamned fucking life.
Therefore, this godforsaken asshole “holiday” only serves to remind me of the play I’ve written in which I’m its fucking star; alone and not nearly fucked enough because of my parallel desire to slow it the fuck down. It’s taking all I have to NOT go out and find a cock tonight. Right now. See if I can do it. But, I want to be real, to be me, to continue on this journey of feelings, blah blah fuckity fuck fuck blah.
Also, I just came so hard I squirted on myself because I’m bathed in lavender, clean, with my argyle pink socks on with no one to do and nowhere to go so why not go fuck the shit outta myself? And to Stairway to Heaven? So awesome.
The Neighbor said he might be able to hang out tonight since he couldn’t yesterday, but I haven’t heard a peep from him and I’ve promised myself I’m not texting anyone else for the rest of the goddamned day. I’ve done this to myself. All of it.
How the fuck do I change this??
Also, I’m going to have 10 V Day orgasms tonight if it kills me. That’ll sufficiently wipe my brain clear.