I admit to something.

Here’s the thing. When I’m with another man I think of you.

I know we always said we were just going to be friends with benefits and part of that deal was that I would keep sleeping with other men, but I almost can’t anymore.

Tonight, when he kissed me, he was too tall, his lips too pliant, his breath wrong.

When I saw his cock I thought, “This isn’t yours.” And when I tasted it I knew for sure.

When he spanked me and I hardly felt it I thought, “That doesn’t feel right.” His hand was too small.

And when he entered me I desperately wished to feel that filled-up, stretched-apart, wholeness I feel when you enter me, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Because it wasn’t you.

I don’t know what any of this means for us, for what we’re doing together, all I know is that I can’t keep living this farce. I only want to be with you. These other men are collateral damage; I don’t care how they feel about me or how badly they want to be with me. All I want is to be in your arms.

Under you, in you, with you. Sobbing in every way I know how with you.

I go out there and get these other men under the notion it’s for me, but really, it’s for you. I don’t want to scare you. I don’t want to upset this strange balance we’ve created between spending virtually all of our time together, yet resolutely claiming we don’t care for one another more than what our rods and holes can do for one another.

But it’s bullshit.

Tonight, when I was late coming home and I knew he was sitting on our stairs I was afraid you’d see him and know he was there for me. After he left, I was a bundle of nerves that we’d run into you.

And as soon as I was showered and the apartment was clean I texted you. “You home?” I asked. You immediately replied yes.

“Can you come over?”

“Naked in my kitchen. Cooking dinner,” you say.

“Ok. Mondays are just hard for me sometimes.”

“Awwwww,” the iPhone glows back to me.

Then, I hear your voice and my puppy squeals her delight. You’re walking through my apartment shirtless, in shorts and socks. The dog squirms and wiggles around your legs unabashedly elated at your presence. I seethe with jealousy as I watch her open up to you with her honesty. You’re making cheeseburgers and broccoli. Then make a quick exit.

The puppy, confused at your abrupt departure, stands dejectedly staring at the front door. Now I feel for her. I text you that she’s confused. You laugh. Then I say I am too. Are you coming back over? Yes, you say.

And I start this open-hearted discourse with imaginary-you. But, before long you’re back and you sit in the fuck-chair. I close my laptop. I tell you about my strange day, carefully omitting the fact that I erased all traces of a man from my body and my home only minutes before I reached out to you.

I fight tears as I listen to your words. You tell me that you have been avoiding women online.

Why?

Because I’m dating someone.

You are?

Well, yeah, sorta. I’m an optimist, so it’s a half-truth.

But why??

Because I’m not ready to open up to anyone; to put myself out there to be hurt.

I am stupefied.

You weren’t expecting that answer were you? you wonder aloud.

Um. No.

My heart beats riotously in my chest. I don’t know what this means. I mean, look at what I had just written to you. I can’t pretend this isn’t something important to me. I don’t want to anymore. But still, I say nothing of how I’m feeling.

I tell you that I haven’t met anyone that I want to connect with, either. That it’s hard when I have you in my life. You agree. I tell you I don’t think you understand the extent of it; that when I sit across from a man at a table I wonder, “Is he as good as you? Will he make me feel like you do??” You begin to understand better.

And then you say the thing I fear the most about us:

“This can’t go on forever, you know. It could be over in two months.”

I nod. It’s all I can do.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I know this is true. But you have to understand. You have to.

Words come tumbling out of my mouth. I say, “Listen, you’ve helped me in so many ways. You’re kind, sweet, stable, and safe. You’re a good person. I needed someone like you in my life to help me heal. For the first time in so many months I feel a heartbeat again and it’s because of this. What we’re doing here.”

And you answer in kind. You tell me I’ve helped you feel less lonely; I’ve helped you learn to make your apartment a home; to open up emotionally to someone. You say the sex between us is the least important part of what you feel about our friendship.

I tell you it was your cock that has single-handedly helped me heal from my ordeal with Troy. You nod your understanding and beam a smile at me.

You jump up and tease me about your magical cock; flex your beautiful muscles for me and toss me that boyish grin of yours I’d like to bottle and carry with me.

You say that I require very little of you and that it’s been easy to be around me, that I am not a woman you’re familiar with since all your others have demanded everything from you. I feel as though I could fly: you still don’t know how I feel about you. I’ve won this one. I am still safe behind your willingness to not really look at me.

You know — if this is going to end in two months like you think it might and when I was going to finally tell you how I feel about you — then I’m going to wring every second out of the time I have left and not waste my time on men who are only straw men between my legs, because who knows who will be the happier of the two of us when this is all over?

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow at 7:30, my sweet friend.

26 thoughts on “I admit to something.

  1. Hy, I would like to say I knew what was coming. I would like to believe that there will be years not months of happiness ahead for you.

    I am happy just knowing that some where out there you are happy for just one day today and when tomorrow becomes today again you will be happy again. One day at a time.

    Hugs

    Cruel

  2. Every relationship fails until one doesn’t. It doesn’t sound like he is adamant about this one ending… more like he just expects it. Because it’s all he’s ever known. Give the boy time to adjust to the idea that this just might be the one that doesn’t end.

    • Thanks for your words, Noodle. I don’t begin to know that it won’t end, though. He wants biological children someday; I’m 36 and – I’m fairly certain – done with having kids. He also doesn’t want step children and I have my wonderful 4 1/2 yo.

      Unless he looks at this as a short-long term thing, or opens himself up to a partner he never saw himself with, I have nothing to appeal to.

      Sharing my feelings – if and when I do – will be a selfish expression on my part to release myself. To be able to say he finally knew it all and still chose someone else. I’m hoping it will bring me some peace, not a happy ending.

  3. Hy – I’m at a loss this time, baby. I feel that he’s created a construct so that he can feel in control of the situation. You, I feel are trying to take it one day at a time and doing your best to just be. I’m proud of you, him I want to punch.

    Love you,

    GC

  4. Hy No one says it like Janis Joplin

    Ball and Chain Break Down Lyrics:
    Tell me why, just because I get to want your love
    Honny just because I gotta get need,need,need your
    love, I said I don’t understand honny when I wanna
    turn you high high high , Try…..
    Try..Try…Honny when everybody in the world
    whant’s the same damm thing, when everyone in the
    world will need the same loonley thing, when I
    wanna work for your love dad when I wann try for
    your love dad, I don’t understand,how come you’re
    gone, man. I don’t understand why half the world
    is still crying, man, when the other half the
    world is still crying too, man. I just can’t get
    it together. I mean, if you gotta’ care for one
    day, man. I don’t mean, if you, say maybe you
    wanna’ care for 365 days, right? You ain’t got 365
    days. You got it for one day, man. Well I tell you
    that one day man, better be your life man, because
    you know you could say oh man you could cry about
    the other 364 man, but you’re gonna loose that one
    day man, and That’s all you got. You gotta’ call
    that love, man. That’s what it is, man. If you got
    it today you don’t wear it tomorrow, man. ‘Cause
    you don’t need it. ‘Cause as a matter of fact, as
    we discovered on the train, tomorrow never
    happens, man. It’s all the same fucking day, ma.,
    So you gotta, when you wann hold somebody, you
    gotta hold ’em like it’s the las minute of your
    life baby, you gotta hold hold hold……hold him
    ’cause some day some weight it’s gonna come on
    your shoulders babe, it’s gonna feel to hevy, it’s
    gonna weigh on you, it’s gonna feel just like a
    ball…………………oh dady and a chain…..

    Hugs Baby Hugs and xxx’s

    Cruel

  5. Hmm. I wish I had something insightful to say here, but unfortunately, I don’t. The best I can offer is, find happiness where, when, and while you can. The past is over and the future is uncertain–now is all that matters. So wring every ounce of happiness you can out of it. Rock life so hard that it begs you to stop. And when your time is up, make sure you fucked, partied, and loved so hard that the world breathes a sigh of relief.

    All the best, my dear Hyacinth. My thoughts are with you always.

  6. I’ve been addicted to someone before. It’s like a cigarette or dope; it gets in your blood and you can’t imagine there could be a life without this drug. But once it’s over, there’s ALWAYS a moment when you’re walking outside on spring day, and you realize the life inside you is way better than what you had when you were huffing gasoline, or whatever. (Poison is poinson, in my opinion.)
    Love the Janis; thanks for that!

  7. Sad. I know this feeling all too well. Needless to say it’s rough, but that’s life. As much as I hate saying goodbye and letting go, I just accept what was, and what will be. I’ve just learned to be happy it happened and that it makes me smile when I think about it. Hope this works out for you.

  8. What the hell. Enjoy yourself with TN. I think he may be gun shy, hence his expected 2-month expiration date. If your relationship continues to develop, no obstacle is too great. He could be a step-dad and be fine with it-he’s never done it before so how would he know? You could have another kid, who knows and at this point who cares? You want to be with him, he wants to be with you, go with it and think positively. I wouldn’t bare my soul now, though.

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