Online dating brings all the fools to my yard: Don’t email a woman this shit

I’m not good at snark, but these fools sorta out-snark me without even me having to open my mouth. I mean, come on. If I were Snarky Snatch this would be an entirely different sort of post.

Now, mind you, in my AFF profile, I state clearly I’m not interested in anyone outside the age range of 26-46 or under 8″ (that’s inches, as in referring to their cock; has nothing to do with me).

In my OKC profile, I’m more “me” and fully clothed. I’ve heard I have a great profile, but I don’t believe any of it; they just want to fuck me and are trying to flatter my panties off. Ok, I get it. Next time I’ll post some emails that have worked. I think that’s an important piece on educating the public on how to do this shit because God knows the public needs educating!! Jesus Christ. It’s painful.

It’s not until I think about doing posts like this that I even realize the sludge I have to sift through each week to find just one decent human being to interact with (with whom to interact, whatever). I sometimes wonder if, like when I was a cocktail waitress at a titty bar when I was 22, my senses have deadened to men because I see the worst on almost an hourly basis.

In any case, these are some of my favorite DON’T FUCKING DO THIS emails from this week. Enjoy:


53 year old Man
do u like older guys?And like to be licked!!!
May 26, 2012 11:49 AM CDT
Hello my name is David, I am looking for ONE woman who really gets off to being eaten and lick. I am a Very oral guy could eat and lick pussy for hours. If any of this interest you, I can also be reached by IM on yah– as bigo000.
55 year old Man
May 26, 2012 7:20 AM CDT
Good morning, Great profile, sounds like you have been hurt before and i’m sorry that happened. I do not meet some of your requirements but decided to write to you. You are a sexy lady and do not worry about a size 8+ i love women that are not skin and bones. hope you find what you are looking for. I can not send a face photo because I do not want it on this sight but is you are curious I can send one to a e-mail, but I will send you my profile.
36 year old Man
May 20, 2012 6:34 PM CDT
Fuck ur so hot wish u were closer I’d have u ride my face till u came over and over
41 year old Man
May 20, 2012 5:08 PM CDT
Im kelly! Well u definetely have some nice boobs! Wanna see the rest! U wanna text?


1. An invitation for a gang rape/bang. Clearly he was tasked with finding the entertainment for the weekend and he didn’t call the escort service ahead of time:
Ha. How are you? Big plans for the weekend?So, I am in town through Monday with a group of about 10 awesome guys from Chicago (area) and we rented an amazing 30 acre house with pool, etc. for the weekend!! Fun. We are a bunch of goofballs; fun guys and we will be hitting the town or having a party here.

We’d love to meet some fun girls! Is that you? And your friends maybe? Anywho, just looking for fun people to show us lost deers around…

Call or text me? 773-xxx-xxxx if you find yourself wanting to join the fun??


10% Enemy 71% Friend 83% Match Message from Wife-Hunter

2. I never mention Vegas in my profile. This nimrod cut and pasted from a previous email to another woman:

Hi There,
Your profile looked intriguing. Vegas, pretty cool! I bet you have some interesting stories. Anyway, I wanted to say hello. My name is Jon, and I thought you were attractive. I’d like to get to know you. I am a real person…I know the online deal can get weird at times. If you want to talk more, that would be awesome. I hope to hear back.

25% Enemy 64% Friend 63% Match Message from Spree

3. Never mention FARTS in an email to a woman. Just don’t:

HEY Rose*! This weekend I was thinking of robbing a bank, fleeing to the Ocean, and faking my own death (SCUBA tanks in the trunk).. U in? P.s U should probably bring sandwiches or something tho, no egg salad cuz its smells like farts….

25% Enemy 60% Friend 80% Match Message from Beastmode

4. The never-fails-to-impress-email:


8% Enemy 36% Friend 86% Match Message from Cailkirk

UPDATE: Had to add this one I just noticed on Match.


*Don’t worry, Rose isn’t my real name. It’s just mentioned in my OKC profile and they all assume it’s my name. Again: dumb. Like I’d have my name on a free dating website for all to see??

28 thoughts on “Online dating brings all the fools to my yard: Don’t email a woman this shit

  1. Please do post some examples of what works. I try to not be one of the bad guys, but sometimes get so discouraged on AFF that I don’t even send an email.

  2. Wow! Your responses on a real dating service makes some of Lo’s responses on Craigslist look positively gentlemanly! Sorry you’re having such difficulty. Where have all the 26-46, 8″+, good men gone?

    • It’s not so much “where have they gone?” than it is, “who are these people??” The age and size reqs (which, btw, in real life are flexible) are just a filtering mechanism. I’d never come at a man like this!

  3. shit, i feel you on the online dating shit…i wade through so much shit on a daily basis…i have almost given up completely on the bullshit…the only problem is, that’s where i pull 75% of my cock, so it’s a necessary evil,lol

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