I go on first dates with hope and leave with nothing.

I dressed in a navy blue dress and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. I wasn’t nervous, mostly hopeful that this guy would surprise me. Now that I know I want to find love the entire landscape of my dissolute life has changed.

He was a disappointment the second I laid eyes on him. Like I had expected, he was an iceberg. He’d hidden his chub in his photos, claimed to be “fit.”

Conversation was light and ribald as is my norm. I titillated him with stories as I searched for chemistry between us and wondered at The Neighbor’s day-long silence to the two pics I’d sent him from the night before.

I couldn’t help but yawn once or twice. He teased me and I apologized profusely; I’d been up since 6 am, I explained.

He walked me to my car and I drove home with the windows down, the warm air whipping my ponytail around like my heart.

I took half a pain pill and laid down, heard TN come home, dozed, then was restless and strangely awake until 4 am.

I awoke late, checked my phone. Still nothing. Facebook made my gut ache and heart lurch. Downstairs Neighbor had posted on TN’s wall, “Good job. *high five*”

Downstairs Neighbor’s favorite story to tell is how he was once woken up by banging, moaning, and a woman’s yells one morning. That morning, it’d been me, but I had slept alone last night. This wasn’t me waking the neighbors.

I texted DN who doesn’t know of my affair with TN. He said he’d run into him on his way out and that TN had said it wasn’t him, must’ve been someone else. My organs stopped betraying me and I relaxed.

But this is just a reminder I am at the end of this journey. TN’s lease is up soon and I am hopeful he doesn’t renew. I can’t handle this anymore.

We have dinner and movie plans tonight which contributes to my upset at his utter silence yesterday. I wonder if he pulled back because of what transpired between us Wednesday, but that’s playing a game I don’t like, so I am instead gathering my strength, reminding myself that I want more from a man, and then I feel better.

Admitting my love for TN and my desire to be loved is like wearing a burlap sack: it’s ill-fitting an itchy.

God, I can’t wait for all of this to be behind me. Thank you all for putting up with me and my roller coaster.

21 thoughts on “I go on first dates with hope and leave with nothing.

  1. I wish I knew an eloquent saying about fighting on for love but I don’t. There might be a couple already out there somewhere… it’s what we live on for, no? I can say, Cheers to your admittances of love, Cheers to your perserverance and CHEERS TO THE ITCHY BURLAP SACK AND THE NEXT WORTHY MAN TO REMOVE IT. Jayne

  2. It’s a long ladder up and away from this affair with TN, and rather than easier, I suspect that each rung up may be a little harder (to take). But you are making wonderful progress. Take your time, and we’re here if you should stumble.

    Mike

  3. TN is chickenshit. I was afraid this was going to happen after the night you spent together. He can’t/won’t commit to you. Now at least you know that he isn’t worth wasting time over, thinking that he will admit to loving you. You have so much to give, Hy, now you just need to be patient in your search for a worthy recipient.

    • I always feel like defending him to you, Petunia :) Is he really a chickenshit or just trapped loving a woman that would deny him things he knows he wants in life (like a baby)?

      We hung out last night and it was incredible; like Wednesday night. Days like Thursday are an utter mystery to me…

      But don’t worry, P, I’m very clear on things. No stars in my eyes.

  4. He really doesn’t have an option, does he? But YOU do!
    Yeahhh. Take that, TN and shove it up your..! Okay, okay, in all seriousness, though, I feel like singing “Free at last…” for you.

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