I’m not feeling all that dissolute.

This sex blog affects my life.  I think about it constantly.  I frame encounters with it, interactions, images.  It is a direct reflection of my mind, my eye, and my heart.  The images I post are what I see and how I want to be seen.  The words are my art, the thoughts my deepest secrets, the behaviors the paint, my life the canvas, and this little bundle of 1s and 0s the art dealer to reach the masses.

But, I don’t want to “just fuck” anymore.

I used to have stories every week of this man or that man.  Different, all of them.  Threesomes were my bread and butter, as were random hookups.  Now I just write about the soap opera that is my life with my next door neighbor with the occasional frolic thrown in for good measure.

All I want is this one who is so close, yet so far.  I force myself to go on dates in hopes that maybe I’ll get my hair blown back by one of them and I can finally let go of The Neighbor monkey bar and grab onto the next.  But they all fall short.  Always.

I think back to how I met TN, innocently enough by inviting him over when I had some friends over.  The beginnings were a little weird, to be sure, but there was something there immediately, and though I fought it for a few days — stating loudly that I don’t shit where I eat — I finally gave in to his charms.  And here I am 8 months later in love with him; forced to see when his car is missing at 6:30 am, forced to hear his comings and goings, forced to acknowledge we have no fucking future whatsoever, forced to admit that it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

I feel as though I’ve lost my muse.

What am I to write about at A Dissolute Life Means if I don’t want to fuck anyone else but him and I’m tired of whining about our situation?

TN mentioned last weekend that we had a shelf-life until September (I wish I could remember why he chose that month) and I thought, “Hmm, maybe I can hang on a couple more months.  My birthday is in September, it’d be nice to have him around for it.”  These are seriously some of my thoughts and I’m ashamed of them.  If he didn’t live next door and if we weren’t such good friends I’d cut ties immediately.  Oh, right, and if the sex wasn’t so goddamned amazing.

My current thoughts on the whole mess have been that I’d end it by the end of July.  I have a speech prepared and everything.  But things just keep getting more complicated.  He renews his lease in the next couple of weeks, he’ll be in the same softball league as me, he’s friended some of my friends on FB whom we met at the wedding.  I want to fucking scream.  He’s so enmeshed in my life that this is like a full-blown goddamned breakup without all the benefits of having had a whole boyfriend.  I’m pissed and confused.

So, here I am boyfriendless and in love, undesiring of anyone else and horny as a 13 year old boy, with an audience waiting to hear my next lurid tale and all I’ve got is sniveling.  Boohoo this, boohoo that.  Thank god I have memories to pull from.  Lots and lots of memories.  Because while, and until, I work all this shit out it’s going to be more of the same TN Drama Direct and I’d rather be some place else.  Like maybe on Noodle’s porch sipping some Pinot Grigio while lamenting over our hearts’ betrayals of our pussies.

Fucking hearts.  Fucking pussies.  Fucking fuck it all.

Fuck.

 

56 thoughts on “I’m not feeling all that dissolute.

  1. I’m glad you wrote this because it somewhat addresses a fear I discovered I have. I’m worried that after you end it with TN, you’ll end it with us (maybe he isn’t the only one who doesn’t know it’s coming?). I say this because, yes, the blog has become “My God-Damned Mind Fuck With TN”. And everything else is superfluous. (Not that we mind, btw … we’re all in this together.) But after TN, maybe you’ll say “what else is there? who needs this bleepin’ blog?”

    Whatever happens, DON’T LEAVE US!

    Mike

  2. Whether you’re writing about your sex life, or your ongoing struggles with TN, I never want you to stop. You’re an amazing writer – funny, creative, well thought out but also incredibly relatable. I love reading your inner-most thoughts that can only be expressed anonymously, and I’m sure a lot of other people do too.

    I’m saying this because I’m scared you’ll be leaving us :(

    • Aw, thanks, Carly. Don’t worry, I’m just struggling with inspiration, that’s all. I’ll figure something out. I need to write, so it’s not likely I’ll quit. xx Hy

  3. Personally, I’m not waiting for your next lurid tale. I’m watching the evolution of Hyacinth into a full blown woman and not just a cunt-for-free. Often your lurid tales make me hurt for you. I realize that’s blunt, but Hy you are much, much more than your pussy.

    XO

    GC

      • Because you are accepting that you can’t stay numb forever. That your cunt can only take you so far. Just as your cunt is hollow until you fill it with a cock, you are hollow until you allow yourself to be fully and completely you … good, bad, ugly, beautiful, yearning and content.

        No one said the process would feel good ;-)

        Love you,
        GC

      • Bleh.

        Lol

        Also, I love how you’ve dropped “cunt,” like, 40 times in these two comments haha.

        But yes, I know you’re right, and thanks for being happy with less sex from me and more processing. It’s a comforting thought.

        You da bomb :) xo Hy

  4. I think you feel because you are sensitive AND you have a great capacity TO feel and love It doesn’t mean HE is the only one who can make you feel such greatness but it seems like it. It seems like it because you have intensified feelings. At least that’s how I reason to get beyond and not place blame but find an understanding to move forward. Hard facts will do that. TN isn’t capable of loving the way you need and you cannot settle for someone so lacking. At least that’s how I reason it. but I could be full of shit. I’m just praying and believing it will work that way…and sometimes it does feel that way because the belief he was SO perfect has tarnished and revealed itself to be incorrect. Good luck sweetie pie. I know it hurts but you can get through it with reason. Like I said, I could also be a fool.

  5. I agree with Gillian and Fatal (and everyone else for that matter!) I’m sort of happy for you because although this shit is not easy to wade through, I have a feeling that you will come through it like a champ and you will be even more incredible than you already are. Ok, I’m REALLY happy for you! Please keep writing.

    I can’t believe how easily G.C. said “cunt.” I can never say that…do you think that means I’m repressed? Probably. Oh well.

    Je t’aime Ma Belle Hyacinth,
    Dawn

  6. Aint love grand? The body has needs but so does the soul. And the two are really fucking connected. Engaging the soul without the body = misery. Engaging the body without the soul… well, maybe that’s impossible. Make no mistake, TN feels something, unless he is a psychopath. Whether he has the balls or not to face what he feels… well, maybe not, eh?

    • Love an suck my dick, honestly.

      Did you mean to say “really connected” or “rarely connected”? Either way, it works. And I’ve engaged my body sans soul most of my life. It’s definitely possible.

      You’re right, he does feel something. He claims to love me as a friend.

  7. *hugs* love… so much to say, that I can’t seem to verbalize (one too many capt and coke already perhaps). Ironically, I think you were like the neighbor, before him. Idk. Your growing… Change is uncomfortable. You are a wonderful woman, my dear. You deserve more… xoxoxoxo a hundred times over.

  8. Well I think I speak for most of us when I say that we don’t come here just to her your sex stories. They’re fun and all, but we come here to hear about you. To shoot the breeze and tell stories, whatever the topic.

    As far as the TN situation goes, I totally understand. I’m at a point in my life where I really don’t want to add anyone new for fear of having to rip them out at some point. It overall just makes me feel bleh.

      • You seem to be lamenting change, growth, development. That you want to be the same persona of dissolution then, now & in the future, that words on a screen to strangers impact how you act.

        So Hy of post #1 should be Hy of post #1000. She shouldn’t evolve, grow, etc.

        Others above me alluded to this and you basically “ehhhed” them. Hy does this guy here, Hy does that guy there, Hy does guys everywhere.

        Its the same post 1000 times, if you look at this way.

      • Ahhh. Good fucking point, dammit! :)

        I have a love/hate relationship with change, I’ll admit. I’m proud of doing it, but still mourn it none the less (sometimes).

        This entire thing with TN is extremely confusing for me. I’m working on it…

        Thanks for your words, Scot :)

  9. You sound like you’re growing up, Hy. I’m happy to see it; I can tell from the intelligence of your writing that there is much much more of Hyacinth than we’ve even seen here. You just keep growing and writing about it.

  10. I love how you expressed yourself fearlessly here. The follow up comments are brilliant. There is a seriously awesome collection of bloggers and commenters in this section of WordPress. How were we all so lucky to find each other?

    Hugs and cuddles ~

  11. Pingback: Appreciation & Admiration, Not Just Tits | Normal Deviations

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