The Neighbor is still a nice guy.

“Just dump him!” says my best friend and just about everyone else who knows anything about The Neighbor and our relationship.  The thoughtless things he’s said and done, the way I feel expendable, unimportant, and generally over-looked have made him the villain to most people — including sometimes myself — but that’s just not the whole picture and it’s not fair.

That view is from the woman inside of me that wants what I can’t have; it taints everything unfairly towards him because the truth is — and no one can refute this — he’s been true to his word regarding our relationship.  We both agreed in the beginning that it was to be strictly friends with benefits and he’s done a wonderful job at it.  He keeps me at arm’s length, he’s private, he fucks me nearly any time I want, his feelings aren’t involved.  Isn’t that what a FWB situation is supposed to be?

TN becomes the bad guy only when compared to the change in my feelings.  I’ve grown to love him because, despite the silly things he says about kids and other women, he is always there for me, always kind, always supportive; he makes me feel beautiful and smart and desirable.  We laugh, we play, we eat and drink, and we fuck like we were made for each other.  I believe he says those less than favorable things to me to remind me that we aren’t together, not because he’s an asshole.

Karmic Diva wrote a post recently that really resonated with me.

1. Nice guys aren’t broken; you don’t need to spend a lot of energy trying to fix him.

2. Nice guys give compliments, not criticism; you don’t feel bad about yourself when you’re with him.  He back-handedly critisizes me by saying I’m too old and I have a child and he hates kids (yeah, he said that on Friday trying to impress his friends.  You could hear crickets.  I have more to say on this another day).  But then he lavishes me with praise in the next breath: I’m so cool, so beautiful, so smart, he loves hanging out with me.

3. Nice guys are  honest, not deceitful; you don’t worry about where you stand with him.  I have no freaking clue where I stand with him.

4. Nice guys are devoted to you, not attached to someone else (not married or still hung up on someone in their past); you don’t have to be his therapist or hear him vent about his feelings for someone else.  Yep, definitely not devoted to me and I’ve spent some time helping him figure out other women.

5. Nice guys are empathetic and caring; you don’t have to feel confused and insecure because he flip-flops between hot and cold. Um.

6. Nice guys value their time with you; you don’t have to worry about why he’s not calling or making plans with you.  I do worry and he rarely makes plans with me; I beat him to the punch every time.

7. Nice guys take you out;  you don’t have to feel like a booty call or on-call vagina.

8. Nice guys make you a priority; you don’t have to feel like you’re last on his list of people to see.  I know he sees me more than anyone else in his life, but I still feel like #5.  Well, maybe #3.

9.  Nice guys acknowledge your feelings and needs; you don’t have to worry about giving in to his unreasonable demands and expectations.

10. Nice guys like you just the way you are; you don’t have to worry about not being good or special enough for him.  UGH.

But I still think he is a nice guy.  A very, very nice guy.

Despite him scoring only a 3 out of 10 on the Nice Guy list, I believe it’s because he’s determined to not get closer, to keep this a non-relationship.  I refuse to be mad at him for not feeling the same things for me as I do for him.  That’s just ridiculous.  I can be sad, I can be disappointed, I can move on, but I don’t feel I have the right to be angry at him for being honest with me about his feelings for me.  (At least, the feelings he admits to to himself.  Who knows how he’d feel if I got hit by a bus tomorrow: “I missed out on the greatest love of my life!”  Possibly.  Who knows what this kid can realize about himself or even if there’s anything else to realize.)

If he were my boyfriend, I believe with all my heart that all of this would go away.  All of it.  He would be 10 out of 10 on that nice guy scale.

Friday night was incredible.  The cuddling, the words, the sex, the wrestling, the orgasms.

While hanging with some of his and my friends together on Friday I walked the line of familiarity with him.  He introduced me as his neighbor and his friend (as per usual) but then he admitted to vacuuming my apartment for me three times; he cut me off with a laugh and added to my story if I got details wrong; he sat right next to me and bumped into me a lot.  I reciprocated with equal knowledge of his life and events.  I found out that 4 am girl opted him out because she found him to be too short.  Everyone at the table laughed.  “But I’m 5′ 9 3/4″!” he protested.

“How did that make you feel?”  I asked in front of all.

“Like shit, actually.  And offended.”

I didn’t point out that it must really suck to be discriminated against for something you can’t change.

My girlfriend said she thought it was obvious to everyone at the table that something was going on between the two of us, but she’s my girl.  Of course she’d say that. For my part, I’ll admit to doing my best to mark my territory as women know how to do.  And then he said to me, “You ready to go?”  I said yes and followed him out.  Gee, not suspect at all.

He lives in a vacuum.  I’m hoping his friends say, “Wow, Hy was really fucking cool.  You guys dating?”  But that’s just the 15-year-old inside of me rearing her ugly head.  I’m not holding my breath.

And then he swung by the store to surprise me with food because I was starving, made us drinks, fucked me until I balled up and exploded, wrestled me till I squirted with delight, and then cuddled me.  He came once inside of me and again on my face.

“You wanna go cuddle?” I ventured while out on the balcony after we’d spent ourselves.

“Yeah, definitely!”  He took my hand and led me back to my room, laid down and pulled me into his nook.

“I love cuddling you, Hy, because of our connection.  Our emotional connection.  It feels amazing.  You’re amazing.  This is all so special.”  I lay in his arms wishing I could freeze frame the moment but also feeling entirely mind-fucked.  Like, my head was a village and he was the invader kind of mind-fuck.

Then we decided to make a TN and Hy Sexual Bucket List for the time we have remaining:

  • Sex in public (Hy)
  • Sex in the pool (TN)
  • Sex by the pool (TN)
  • Threesome (TN)
  • Sex at a swanky hotel (Hy)
  • Sex on the balcony (TN)

Saturday morning I went next door to help groom him for his laser treatment (a ritual we’ve done 4 times now).  It was comfortable and sweet.  I laid in his bed, he folded laundry, I pet him, he teased me and we laughed and then I left with a goodbye kiss to go get my kid from my parents’ house.

I will not wait until September to end this, nor will I wait for the bucket list to be fulfilled, or softball to be over with.  D-Day is end of July (I share this to try and hold myself accountable, of course).  I’ll just have to wait and see what happens then.

I did this to myself.  I chose to get involved with a younger man who didn’t want a relationship with me who happens to live next door.  My girlfriend asked me if I’d thought I’d have no regrets going in to all of this.  I’d told her I’d had no clue, because lemme tell you, I’m feeling lots and lots of regret right now as I face a long summer alone with no privacy.  I never thought I’d fall in love with him and I certainly didn’t think that if I did he wouldn’t either.  Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work??  A great friends with benes situation turns out into a perfect love match?

And, as far as my fear of losing my muse, well… as many of you have pointed out I have a lot more to offer than just my pussy.  We’ll see what happens with this blog because this is where I talk about my sex, not the rest of my life.  I will likely take a dating hiatus and pull from memories and then just see what happens.

I’m looking forward to some goddamned relief.

36 thoughts on “The Neighbor is still a nice guy.

  1. Interesting blog! Based on what I have read and that isn’t a lot. You haven’t given yourself time to process the divorce and what you have been through. TN likes to say that he doesn’t love you b/c it allows him to control his feelings. If you take back the control, he will have to examine how he really feels about you.

  2. I feel for you. I see how when we have what we believe we want, logic and self preservation slip and play second fiddle to the potential we feel – not see but feel. Potential becomes possibility, but you can’t rely on potential, especially when he doesn’t see it and decide to change the situation even when he knows you’re there for him. Our last exchange reminded me about how I do this and led me to post my vegas 3 post because it was time to let it go. I’d been holding on to it. Your posts helped me.

    • Aw, Jayne, I’m glad I could help. And you’re absolutely right, potential isn’t enough to stay. This post was bursting out of me. I feel do much better for having written it. xx Hy

  3. Hy, I’m just happy with what makes you happy. I agree with you about the neighbor and the nice guy list. Personally, I think it is probably easier that he not be a perfect ten with you in this situation. How much harder would it be then? It’s not a crime to live right NOW for what makes you happy right now.

    And you are more than your cunt. Far more. I adore you.

    Xoxo
    Fatal

    • Well, a perfect 10 would mean I was happy with how things were, so…it’d be a totally different world. A happy Hy world :)

      And thank you. I adore you, too!! xx Hy

  4. Oh Hy… You deserve all the happiness in the world. And honestly… I’m not sure the neighbor will cut it. He may be fun… but he also sends some pretty sharp heartbreak in your direction. Don’t deprive your pussy, by any means ;) I’m with Fatal on this one. Do what makes you happy right now. Just don’t forget that you deserve the best.

  5. Umm… TN wants a threesome with you? I’m assuming with you and another girl. Crazy man puppy. The other girl would just be staring with her jaw on the floor cause you’re so damn awesome. She would probably learn a lot though! ;)

  6. I’m a repeat offender when it comes to falling for cockroaches disguised as nice guys. I hope I don’t do it again because the last one was painful as hell to recover from. It’s a long way down when I fall off the cliff and I don’t bounce like I used to.

  7. Sometimes, we forgive the ones we love for the same short-comings or offenses that we would otherwise deem unacceptable, or irreversible with other people.

    It may seem like he’s holding his end of this verbal agreement you two had made in the first place by keeping his distance, but the fact that he knows you love him or feel something more…doesn’t that also make him liable for, perhaps, leading you on? I mean, while you’re responsible for your actions, he is, too, since he knows or has an idea.

    If I didn’t feel or admit that I feel the same way about someone, I don’t think it would be fair of me to turn the other cheek and act like nothing happened, and that nothing changes between the other person and me.

    Also, from the last few posts, it sounds like there’s a possibility you’ll be parting us (the readers), when you sever your ties with TN. Please don’t!

    We love and care about you! <3

    • Huh. I honestly haven’t thought about it like that; that he knows how I feel and yet… I can’t even go there right now. Must process.

      Thanks for the insight, Thu! And all your kindness :) xx Hy

  8. Thu may be right, he could be well aware of your feelings, but Noodle’s probably right too. He’s a man-pup. If he’s scared of kids and says he doesn’t like them, you’re bound to run into trouble there. He may have a lot of time to go before that feeling in him changes, if it ever does. It probably will some day, but there is nothing you can really do to hurry that process, short of getting pregnant and saying “Time to shape up soon to be Dad!” That, of course, can also result in a deadbeat and a world of courtroom battles and hassles and misery. I wouldn’t recommend that. You’re a package deal, and you should be proud of that and find someone who appreciates you and that littler gift you have to offer.

    • Aw, “that littler gift” I have to offer. That is so sweet. The thing is — and this is where I get so infuriated with him about the kids thing — is that he’s really fucking great with my kid. Nice, sweet, plays with us, etc. I mean to have a long talk with him about it because it feels like trickery. Either, you like my kid and you act like it, or you don’t. But don’t fucking be disingenuous, you know?

      Thanks for your words, Justin :)

      • I dated a single mom who (I like to think, anyway…) broke up with me because I’m about as financially stable as the fault-line under California. I tried to get a date with another and more or less purposely burnt that bridge before it happened. And I love another, a long time best friend, that I might give it a go with, but in a lot of ways I’d rather she just found someone more dependable than I, since I have a tendency to piss on societal values and the idea we have to slave our lives away to be able to afford a family. She does too, she’s a professional knitter for god’s sake, but all the more reason for her to find someone with a career… It’s confusing for a man to know how to handle a child, especially someone else’s. Whether we like it or not, we’ll end up being a father figure of a sort. And that is a damn difficult thing to come to terms with, for someone with a job with bennies or not. He may be good with the both of you, but I’ll bet there is a lot going through his head over whether or not it is something he wants to settle into. He’s either ready or he’s not. Even if your wee one isn’t his responsibility, a guy can’t help but feel that a child will be, in some form or another, and that can be scary. I pooped on a dude was pretty god damn hilarious, but this is a wonderful side of you to see in your blog, Hy. ; ) It doesn’t have to be a sex-blog, it can be whatever you damn well please. There’s no rulebook. And I’m sure you could apply your writing skills to more than just sex romps. That does seem to be a specialty of yours though. Do what you will, you’ll do it well.

  9. I like this. You are back processing and analyzing. The germanic is coming out. Another rung or two up the ladder. This is good.

  10. Maybe this is a case of you can’t get what you don’t ask for. You’re gonna end it with TN, right? What if, instead of ending it, you double down? IE you level with him completely. Tell him you love him, tell him exactly what you would want from him for it to continue. Then, if he can’t agree to give you want you need, you end it. Might be worth the risk.

    • That’s actually my plan. But it’s also contingent on him accepting my child into his life and if he’s unwilling to be open to changing his mind on it hten it’s over, even of he’d be willing to be with me. I’m a package deal.

      • No, I don’t think so. You are correct, he’ll say “No” … but he will also ask “why can’t we continue like we have been?” and you won’t have a good answer. You need to LEAVE him … no options … no recriminations … no more discussions … the time for that is all history.

      • …bad plan

        (Sorry, the computer just. took. over. Bad computer! Computer also really likes Justin’s last comment.)

  11. First of all, he ejaculated twice? Has he ever done before in his life? The whole delayed ejaculation thing seems to be much better. I think you can preen now.

    Second, laser treatment? *rubs hands together* Does it hurt? :-) I may not dislike him as much as I did (all those orgasms he gives you scores him points), but I still am a little bloodthirsty.

    • Yes, twice. I’ve made him cum 3x once or twice before, too (he’d cum that many times with an exgf one time, as well).

      And yes, the laser treatments hurt ;)

      • One time with an exgf and three times now with you.

        You win.

        Ooo, and the dry orgasm!

        You’re just trying to mess his head up, aren’t you?

        Good job!

  12. Hyacynth, this is absolutely none of my business, but I’m going to say it, just so that it will have been said. If a woman said anything derogatory about my son, she’d be history. I don’t care what else she has going for her; if she doesn’t treat my relationship as a father as the most sacred thing there is, I don’t want her around. (There, I said it.)

    • There’s a lot to say about this because I confronted him about it tonight. None of it is true. None of it. It was him being scared and stupid and he cried when I told him how mad i was about it and how I saw him. He felt so terrible that that is what I thought of him. More to come later…

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