I don’t want to be alone.

The pain is worse than when I left my husband.  With him, I knew it was because we had no future. This time, I know there’s a future and it’s being denied me.  It’s like the death of someone who hasn’t yet lived their life.

He came and got his things just now and the look in his eyes — so ice blue and shut down — nearly took my breath away.  I choked on words.  Asked him how he was doing.  “I’m doing ok.  How are you?”

“I’m doing horribly, actually.”

He’d let himself in when I didn’t answer.  I’d fallen asleep and awoke to him entering my bedroom.  I asked him to stay and chat for a minute.  We sat down on our spots on the couch.  I told him how furious I was at my best friend for abandoning me and laughed sadly that normally he’d be the one I’d complain to about such a thing.

I asked if there was anything he wanted to say that he hadn’t already.  He said, “I pretty much said everything I needed to.”  I agreed.

He admitted he wasn’t doing all that well.  He was burying himself in work and video games.

He was wearing board shorts.  I asked him if he was going swimming.  He said he’d just gotten back from kayaking around downtown with someone, who, I didn’t ask.  I silently wondered if it was 4 am girl, but tried to push it out of my mind.  He’d told me he had no interest in her, they are only friends.  And really, it doesn’t matter anymore.  He can do what and who he likes.

Then he stood up to get his things.  I was hoping to touch him one last time, to feel his arms around me, to smell his sweet scent.  He gathered up the bag and movies before I could move into his arms.  “And you still think this is the right thing to do?” I asked.

His face was pained, slightly irritated by the hurtful question.  “Yes.”

“Ok.  Just asking.”

“I’m going to go back into my hole now.”

He moved to the front door and I opened it for his laden arms.  He walked out and looked back.  Our faces a reflection of each other.  Sad.  So sad.

I quietly closed the door and began to sob.  My body is betraying me.  My heart feels like it’s going to stop, my hands shake constantly, I burst into tears when someone innocently asks me how I’m doing.

I cut off 10 inches of my hair today.  He didn’t mention it, but I know he knows why.  It’s ritualistic, like the angry red gashes on the white undersides of my breasts.  Stripes of pain, a show of loss.  I have to feel this. Last time I stuffed it all away and it ate at my core.

Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of my father’s death.  A bad man who hurt me, molested my sister, died alone and in utter misery.  It’s easy to remember the pain of his death because this pain reminds me I’m capable of being alive.  I am going to breathe this fire and cry and sob and do whatever it takes to expunge it from my depths because I don’t want it residing in me.

I texted him asking him the name of his softball team; I don’t want to play that night. He’s pitcher, I’m 1st base.  He said he’d bow out and let me play.  I texted him back that I regret nothing, but will miss everything.  Thank you for loving me in all the ways you could.

And then I texted and called everyone I know.  No one answered. My best friend has been too tired to come over any of these nights and today she decided to go swimming with another friend.  I’m struggling not to tell her to go fuck herself.  Internet “strangers”, people who have never laid eyes on me, heard my voice, or felt my hugs have provided more support.  Why am I so alone?  If I’m such a great person like everyone keeps telling me, then why isn’t anyone here with me??

This is the ugly side of a secret relationship.  I will be mourning and no one will know and my cries for help aren’t taken seriously.  What have I done?  What am I going to do?  How can I possibly handle more loss?  I feel extended to the max, stretched tight.  I have responsibilities and people who rely on me for support.  Can I get through the next few weeks without a ripple?  I will do my fucking best.

The outpouring of love and support from you, my sweet, secret friends, is my lifeline.  I don’t know what I’d be doing right now without you.  You keep me honest, you keep me present, you keep me from slipping away to numbness.  You are all so loved by me.  I hope you can feel it.  You’ve helped a lonely woman in great pain with your words.  I know you’re helping another woman through her pain.  You are wonderful and brilliant and are reminding me that relationships can be a fortress of love, not just an attacking army.  I don’t have to know your faces to know your friendship.

I don’t want to be alone.

61 thoughts on “I don’t want to be alone.

  1. You ARE mourning a death and it’s going to hurt for a while. You can’t rush grief. It takes as long as it does. Just know that it’s okay NOT to be okay. Give yourself permission to go to pieces, if you need to. Trying to hold it together when you’re burning inside can be a bad thing.

    The more you face this without barriers, the easier it will get.

    take care, luv.

    -Gideon

  2. Damn. “I texted and called everyone I know. No one answered.” That line struck me right in the heart. Consider yourself invited out for virtual drinks. A toast to shit and fans!

    • It’s just bad luck, bad timing. Even my therapist is out of town next week. Ha. The only two that I feel truly abandoned by are TN and my best friend. My other friends are just busy with their lives; it’s no reflection on me. When I wrote of being alone, I was speaking of only the two who are hurting me now.

  3. I only began to read your blog a month ago. I have felt so connected, and it disappoints me so much that you have this grief to bear. I’m thinking as many good thoughts as I can for your.

  4. Not being able to expunge and evaluate my heartbreak aloud with a friend was incredibly hard. Losing the guy who I imagined was perfect for me felt like like labor pains – uncontrollable, sporadic, yet consistent in intensity and incomprehensible to get through it without feeling deep deep pain. After a handful of painful times, I started to understand that me, not being able to “spread the pain out all over the table” by talking about it, intensified the focus and I think forced me to see myself clearer. Having everyone chime in on what they think about it all would delay my own reasoning and thus delay the healing. Either which way – it’s fucked. I hate knowing you’re holding such pain inside and I keep checking on you here. …and I keep trying to find positive things that can occur so you know there will be light in the future. Hugs – Want a story???? I can do that if you have a request – that can be fun if it would make you smile.

      • You mentioned how you couldn’t talk to anyone about TN and thats why I mentioned my own difficulties. It helps to talk but sometimes it drags it out for me. So tell me what kind of story you want. After writing you, I read Noodle’s heartbreak post – very pretty for the subject.

      • Heh. Ingot drunk last night and stupidly told some other neighbors about him. I think I’m taking talking about him a bit too far. Ugh. But thank you, friend, for sharing your experiences. Hmm, story. I’ll take anything you’ve got.

  5. Another whole day and you even saw him face to face today. I would have thrown up. So yay for you, you didn’t even have to miss his shoes.

    That’s an interesting point that because it was a secret relationship, neither of you have the ordinary support system, let alone each other to deal with it. Actually in my head, I just thought, “oh, they are both alone, maybe they can get together and help each other get through this pain.” My head is a interesting place.

    But that issue, that it is your best friend that is denied you, is a huge source of grief on it’s own. If I pulled apart all the separate griefs and the meaning it had in your life – yeah, I can see why your body and mind are rebelling against it all.

    You got through today. And you will get through the next five minutes, and the next five, etc.. You are doing great and everyone is so proud of you.

    A big hug to you, brave girl, and a hug to TN because he your friend and he hurts too. (He better be hurting. Grr.)

    Okay, goodnight sweetie. xoxo

    • Thank you, Dawn. Yes, today was a big day. I went to bed (well, passed out) feeling better. Just woke up with a stabbing in my chest. Just like Noodle’s post said would happen.

      Goodnight to you, too.

      • Thinking of you today.

        What kind of support from this community would help you? I am an introvert, so my gift to you was leaving you alone today, and giving you peace. I didn’t think that through did I? Now, because we are opposites in this, I might as well just ask you what you would like.

        What do you need?

        Hugs and goodnight ~

      • You were in powerful withdrawal of love/relationship chemical highs. Really, there will be aftershocks for a while as your brain adjusts.

        I can only say very sincerely, though it is a very simple phrase: you are in my thoughts.

  6. My Sweet Hi;
    It’s aches to know how much you hurt. You will get through this agony, it will be very hard, but you are very strong and you will make it. I so wish I and others could be “there” for you … alas, that can’t be. But we ARE here, and are thinking of you.

    Mike

  7. I’m here Hy. I keep checking in on you too. Sometimes I prefer to say nothing more because I don’t want to make things worse by accident. I’m such a clod in delicate situations. You are not alone.

    Tendre baiser,
    Dawn

  8. I cut my hair after my bad break up. It felt so good. He loved my hair and never wanted it cut. It not only made sense to ruin it but it felt so natural. I just chopped into it leaving one side significantly longer than the other. I had it cleaned up by a professional and I still wear it in the same style so I don’t forget, so I don’t ever let it happen again.

    After the pain comes the best part… the living well part. The best revenge is living well and I can’t wait to see what you do. Perhaps you’ll write a book? Maybe you’ll start your own business? You have support to make it happen. I’d buy your book <3

  9. I am thinking about you. I remember the time ex told our counselor that I was he was “embarrassed” of me, idk long story but he left the country immediately after for him being all him. I broke open his box of special very old fancy port in it and got VERY Drunk and called my mother, who is the biggest abandoner of my life and she proceeded to be very cunty* surprise*. My mother, the first bitch who just saw me as competition. Then I called my aunt and told her disturbing family secrets. I wanted to tear off my skin and hated that I had been born.
    I felt like why had I been born? Just to be ripped to shreds time and again?

    What helped me was doing anything I could have control over like reorganizing my closet, I felt so out of control that nothing was too small to bring me pleasure. Rearranging a drawer counted. I also started writing down everything I did right that day before I went to bed. I should do that again. Brushing my teeth counted. Eating counted.

    I am just telling you this not to be preachy or I know what to do because after all this is coming from a vodka-swilling slut, but I don’t know else how to help, peppermint ice cream, house cleaning, I know lame but that’s all I’ve got.

    • Oh, girl, I hurt for you. Being abandoned is about the worst feeling ever. I deal with those as well from my childhood. I love your ideas about doing little things to feel in control. Truly. I have some art projects that are on my mind, some writing ones, too. You mentioning this stuff just gives me more motivation. You’re the best vodka-swilling slut ever and I’m glad I know you. xx

  10. I’m going though something similar. My husband and I are getting divorced and the honeypot that’s helping me through it is beyond my love. I feel lonely, wretched, sick half the time, stupid, angry…so angry. But most of all I feel helpless. I would not wish this on my worst enemy and I definitely would not wish it on someone as brave as you. I’ve just recently discovered your waviest and it feels so free. You don’t judge yourself and you write as if You don’t expect me to judge you either. I love it and one day I hope I can live like you write.

  11. Loneliness is a universal story, told again and again, and it never gets old, in all of its manifestations, because it reminds us why we’re not alone.

  12. You’re paying a price right now, for doing what you know is the right thing. But you won’t always feel this way. (hugs)

  13. you know hy, i feel the same way…when i am hurting, i come on here, and write it all down, and know that someone cares enough to read it, to listen, to be there for me…my wordpress and blogger family is integral to my life…i can tell you guys things that people in my real life will never know…
    we are all here for you, always…you mourn how you need to; only you know how to do that…
    you in are my thoughts hun
    *hugs*

  14. Feel better, Hy. You’re obviously a strong woman and I can’t wait to see you fight back against the world and succeed.

    We’re all here, rooting for you. Chin up, beautiful. xoxox

  15. Hy, I had to tell you that I saw the guy I thought was everything I wanted and vice-versa. Yesterday, as I sat in my car, the sun glared on hs face and I was on the phone and when I recognized him(it’s been about 8 months) I didn’t have that jack-hammer going off inside me. I never imagined I could NOT feel intensely for him in his presence. It happened, as it has happened for millions. It can happen. I was just thinking about you and wanted to send up a flare. Jayne

  16. If we never reached the low ( and I mean the lowest of the low) of our lives we would never appreciate the highs. Pain teaches us that we are human, capable of feeling. Appreciate and accept or more importantly love the fact that you as a person have the intelligence and the conscious to FEEL. Everything in life is destined and sometimes a door closes to reveal a window of opportunity. Take life as it comes, with the grit and ugliness of it all. Why? Because we have one life to live, and we never get to do it again or live or time travel back to it again… so accept, fight or take it all in because it\’s life! Also, survival of the fittest. We didn evolve for a thousand years to sit back and just vegetate! Take control, be who you want to be and live! You have the single greatest thing in the world, something that will love you unconditionally. Your kid. It\’s not over till its it\’s lights out. I believe in you, Carpe diem!
    It\’s finally time to be who you were meant to be.
    Courage. Love. Respect. Repeat this to yourself. You are a woman, a gender stronger because of everything you went through. You will survive this, and come back a better person – Like a phoenix from the ashes.
    Much love, stay strong.

  17. Hy, My heart goes out to you. I understand pain and loss, as do we all, and I know that you should allow yourself to feel that pain and not be afraid of it. Experience it and then you can let it go. Its fucking hard, but I know that you are tenacious and you will deal with this loss and eventually you will be able to move on. Be kind to yourself.
    xoxo
    Ginger

  18. I just starting reading your blog about a month ago and have enjoyed your adventures and writing style..I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. My heart goes out to you. You are a brave a woman and really respect you for breaking it off when you did. I only wish I had your courage years ago when I was in a similar situation. Time and patience will make it less painful, but that’s easier said than done…hang in there and be proud of yourself….you are not alone, stay strong…

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