This is really an add-on to my earlier post. I want to be completely honest with all of you. I fucked up by letting 4 am girl in my house and betraying The Neighbor’s trust by discussing our breakup with her. I want to elaborate on those things because I feel so utterly horrible about them and I want you all to see my ugliness.
The thing that people love about me is my openness and generosity. It’s one of my gifts I don’t even work at, it just is who I am. However, it also means my filter is sometimes off and it’s been something I’ve worked on for years to buttress with firmer boundaries. But I was drunk (my fault) and weak (my fault) on Sunday when I let her into my house. Oh how I wish I’d turned her away!! And when she blithely asked me to explain my feelings about TN I felt compelled to and it was oh so wrong. So, so, so wrong. And I have to live with that.
After he left my apartment angry, but somewhat mollified by my honest explanation, and he left her behind I should have kicked her out for lying to him about what I’d told her about our breakup. When she ranted and raved at me and told me she was going to go for him I should have had her leave. When she touched my breasts and caressed my face, I should have had her leave. When she proclaimed obstinately that I was intimidated by her, I should have made her leave. When she said he was obsessed with her, I should have had her leave. When she cried that no one but him had ever called her beautiful, I should have had her leave. When she still wouldn’t listen and insisted I’d lied, I should have slapped her and made her leave. When I noticed that she’d pissed herself, I should have made her leave. When she stole his champagne, and brought it over I should have made her leave. When I caught her in bed with TN, I should have slammed the door in her face. When she couldn’t walk to the corner store, I should have made her leave.
How many opportunities did I have to make that night right and I squandered every single one of them and why?? I was a weak, drunk piece of shit from drinking with friends all day. I have no idea. I felt paralyzed. Like I was watching a train wreck. I was morbidly curious, yet destroyed simultaneously. It was like it was happening to someone else.
And why didn’t he come and get her? At what point did he think it was ok to leave the new woman with the old??
I have to live with the idea that I nailed my own coffin shut with the man I love and want in my life. I have to suck it up, own it, move on, see his car gone overnight.
Cruel said it right:
True happiness is not found in the arms of a lover be they stranger or soul mate.
The ability to be happy is innate in each of us we are born complete free from prejudice once we learn the concept of I, Me and Mine we taint the primordial wisdom we were born with. By continually grasping at the idea of permanence of things and wishing for happiness to be found through emotional means you will never be happy.
I know this. I truly do. I tell people this on a daily basis, but when I feel I am at fault, that I have brought it down on my own ears I cannot help but think it is my suffering to bear. To witness TN literally run into another woman’s drunken arms is my punishment for all of this, for not being free of my prejudice, my own vices, my relationships with emotion and others: my need.
I’m telling myself all the usual things. He can have her, they can have each other, they’ll be miserable together, etc., but I don’t know that. Maybe they’ll end up happily married with kids. This is my journey, not theirs, and I need to somehow extricate myself from their bullshit affair so I can rise above the pain and the betrayal. But how can things change so swiftly?? Just Wednesday morning he was designating a pillow for me of his while we lay tangled naked in his bed bathed in the morning light.
I am still confused and wondering if I even have the right to feel this way. That’s my other big hurdle in this life: believing I have a right to anything. Happiness, anger, love, anything. You name it and I wonder if I’m worthy of it. I readily admit to my mistakes in this clusterfuck, I do. I’d been drunk and I’d been weak and I’d betrayed his trust.
It can’t all be my fault, though. I blame TN for leaving her there, for causing a scene, for having her on his balcony again only two days after breaking my heart knowing I’d see them, for letting her stay in his bed, for going to her last night. He is stabbing my convulsing body at every opportunity since Wednesday. It’s one of the cruelest things anyone’s ever done to me and I am numb. A doe with an arrow in her side, confused and in pain, wandering aimlessly through the forest. Where is relief?? I need another arrow. Is that another man or another insult?
Tears aren’t an option — I’m too swirled up with anger and disbelief to conjure any. I know this will all pass with time — all of you have reminded me of that — I just have to stay focused, try not to beat myself up, let the dust settle. I can’t control everything; I certainly can’t control another person. I can only try to heal. Somehow. And keep my fists firmly at my sides instead of on me.
I am so sorry, everyone. I feel like I’ve let you all down. Me, TN, all of you who have been my champions through all of this. I was above reproach and now… I am a piece of shit and fucked it up. I was weak and stupid and I’m so ashamed. I’ve lost the man I love all over again. I wish a hole would open up and swallow me up.
And I’m sorry for even going on and on about it. It’s just coursing through my entire system. I need it out. OUT. I can’t breathe, I can’t think. It must get out of me. Now, forever, fast, forever. Time. time. I know, I know. God, I know. How long have I wished that I were 6 months from here? When will that ever stop?? Will I ever be safe from me? From them? I don’t know anymore. I feel slightly better. I just lost some of it to you. Thank you.