I won’t be talking about it anymore.

It’s finally over. Thankfully. And I feel good about it. Strong. I’ve said my piece, he’s heard me, took it like a man. When I learned that he really is trying to date 4 am girl I told him I was out, that I wouldn’t fuck him if he was fucking her or anyone else, or even if he took another woman out for fucking coffee. I can’t handle it. I can do the NSA fucking, but only if I’m the only one.

We spent some time talking yesterday afternoon. Tears leaked down my face as I explained to him that the biggest lesson for me out of this is that I am drawn to those who reject me and that my life’s work this time around is to try to learn how to let someone love me and accept me and actually want them back. He said his biggest lesson was that he realizes that his actions don’t always match his real feelings and he now sees how confusing it can be for someone. We’re going to be ok.

I told him he’s now allowed to take out my trash again and keep vacuuming for me. He said it was a deal only if I’d take him shopping again sometime. We shook on it. He wants desperately to keep my friendship and I his. We’ve agreed on a couple of hang out sessions a week and an occasional outing as friends. I have resolutely refused to accept her and I have been nothing but clear on my feelings.

He wondered why I was so mad at her. “We were imploding anyway. You were going to dump me on the 20th.”

“She made it 10x more painful for me. She sat in my house and said she was going for you, said hurtful things. You ran right into her arms. I’ve had no time to fucking process! It was a shit show. Or a piss show rather.”

“Hey, that was below the belt.”

“You’re damn right it was! It was all over the crotch, too!”

He’s fatalistic about this relationship he’s embarking on and I told him to be more optimistic. He agrees that she has a drinking problem, but he admires her for other things and thinks he’ll benefit from this with her. I don’t get this guy. I also asked him, one last time for clarification, why it was he didn’t want to be with me. “You’re not the right person for me. Is that a good enough reason?”

“Sure it is. Is it because of all that deal breaker stuff you said in the beginning?”

“Yeah. Age, kid, marriage.”

“Marriage? You mean because I’ve been married?”


And then, just like that, all my angst, all my pain, all my wounded confusion dissipated like a cloud of smoke. I did a happy dance, smiled more, beamed, really. His life is so about “The Plan” that he really can’t see the forest through the trees and finally realizing this frees my heart. He’ll never get it. He’ll never get me. I have to move on.

We hugged again and it felt good. I teased him that now she could shave his back for his laser hair treatments. He made a painful smile and rolled his eyes.

He came back over around 8 and vacuumed for me and apologized for his hardon the second he came through the door. I was braless as usual and I smiled. “Pavlov?” was all I said.

“Yeah, something like that,” he murmured back as he adjusted himself.

I bounced on the couch with glee as he cleaned my floor and he complimented my tits. I wondered if he was going to tell 4 am girl that he’d slept with me last weekend. “No, because we hadn’t had the exclusive discussion, yet.” Ah, gotta love hair-splitting.

We watched a movie on my couch then and I whimpered about my back pain. He went and got my vibrator and curled behind me and massaged my back with it. I clutched the couch and twitched as he rubbed it deep into my muscles. He said it was hot. I iced it for a while longer and then he massaged it again. I could feel the tip of his cock on my buttock, but didn’t move.

His hands replaced the vibe and could feel it in my jaw and my ankle. The pain was exquisite, his ministrations kind.

After the movie, I smoked a cigarette and he kept me company. He had to go get 4 am girl at 2 am from a bachelorette party. They have plans on going to an amusement park today and it’s easier than driving all over town, he said. I wondered if that was such a good idea to be hungover on a rollercoaster. I told him to be careful of the drunks on the road, “And in the car!” He’s not loving my sarcasm, but I seem unable to help myself.

I walked him back to my door and we hugged again. I’m going to miss this motherfucker inside of me like nobody’s business, but I don’t want him anywhere near me so long as he’s sticking in her.

I woke up at 2 and thought, “He’s on his way to get her.” At 4:30 I thought, “She’s next door.” Now I’m on my balcony waiting for the inevitable run-in as she feeds her Parliament addiction. But maybe I’ll luck out and she’s too goddamned hungover to be up at 10 am on a Sunday.

So, this is it. This is my final post about my relationship with The Neighbor. This entire blog has been a chronicle of our affair and it’s painful and bittersweet to say goodbye to him. If we ever have sex again, I’ll post about it, but the inner workings, my thoughts and feelings about him and us, they are now private.

My plan is to go off of cock for 2 months and recalibrate. We’ll see if I can do it. I want it all. I want a kind, loving, funny, smart, man who’s a master in bed and has a loaded weapon between his legs. I will be patient. I will be diligent. I will be true to myself and open about everything.

I think I may have to change my About page now.

70 thoughts on “I won’t be talking about it anymore.

  1. Hey, I’ve been following your blog for the past few weeks, I’ve read every single post…I seriously follow it like it’s my religion. I wanted to congratulate you on this break from TN, and by “break” I mean this separation…in an all positive context. it’s been really tough between you guys, and I know this is for the best. I am struggling heavily in an affair myself (your use of the though seems to be much more complimentary than mine) and I really have little hope that I will get out alive…we’ve been seeing each other for almost two years and things are so good…but the underlying foundation of our relationship I would say is far from perfect. (exhale) I truly wish you the best and I just wanted to let you know that reason your posts has given me a whole new outlook on my personal relationship and I feel like my strength to walk away (because it is ultimately what I have to do) is building, because of your experiences and how you’ve handled them, so I am very grateful. You are an incredible woman and you deserve only the best. I sincerely mean that. I also hope you know how much your posts are helping women (and men) all over the place. I don’t know where you are but I am currently in Trinidad, but I live on Canada. Best luck and wishes…thank you so much. x

  2. Reading the last part of your post, reminded me that my “must have”s in a woman are more stringent than they were even a decade ago. One would think, as one gets older, that standards wold relax, but that seems not to be the case.

    Myself, I’d much rather be alone than with the wrong person. That’s a perspective I couldn’t have imagined back in the day. I’m also much more familiar with my tolerances (and lack of same).

    Good post and good for you for getting past this and moving on!


  3. Good for you. Nothing like clean closure…. hopefully :)
    Good to take a break from cock, but not from blogging I hope! No more Gillian, BI is stil AWOL, so few posts from Sexuallifeofawife… my kinky community is getting smaller and smaller… And you all were the reasons I started writing about my experience. Seriously, I miss them and I would miss you tons. Your honesty, your insights, your great sexy writing… they make my week.

    • Aw, thanks, True! I’ll keep writing. I have lots of memories and I don’t plan on drying up all together. And I miss those guys, too. I hope they come back to us soon. xx Hy

  4. Hullo, Love. I’m glad to see this from you. It’s good to want it all. You deserve it all. I hope the two months go well for you, darling. I’ll be reading still.


  5. This sucks! I say that like a child you know, because of the pleasure. This sucks… I say quietly as an adult because these times of decisions that hold some pain are difficult to go through and get past. Yes, it’s perfectly possible and it won’t kill you but damn…. THEN, to have TN’s decision about his plan be his deciding factors is ludicrous, from my point of view, but, that’s just the way it is. I did meet a guy after deciding my marriage was done, and accepting that he wasn’t available was a rollercoaster too. I am finally seeing glimpses of what a better choice would be. It has put a dash of excitement in my heart where there used to be sorrow. It took a long time for my brain to catch the accepting, lovely glimpses of a better man because the one I desperately wanted was off limits and that hurt. I think it will happen for you too. You are much more skilled than I. love, Jayne

    • Thanks, Jayne. I agree, of course. With all of it. It sucks, but TN is TN and he’s gotta live his life the way he wants to as do I. *sigh* I swear thinking of him with her makes me want to barf (don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it).

      I’m sorry you got yourself tangled up in a similar thing. Maybe going for something we can’t have is a form of practice?

      And I highly doubt I’m more skilled than you :) xx Hy

      • You put yourself out there much more than I – but I will say, when papers are signed, your posts about everything have given me courage to put myself out there. That, and the words of the men who write here. I have such a better outlook about men – I can’t wait to play again. I have to post about the older man who reinforced the caution factot though. Old hound dog that he was. Anyway,on men… Onward and Inward!

      • Well I’m glad they’ve given you courage. They scare me! Haha And men are great. Odd creatures, sometimes, to be sure, but we’re accused of that as often ;)

      • OH yeah! Really though – with all of the processing we do about everything… there is no way I would be in a lesbian reletionship. Sometimes I wonder how guys can handle women’s minds. It must be the bonus sex they get.

  6. Hey Hy, i had my doubts that u 2 would keep ur hands off each other last time. But this time it’s sounding pretty certain. Looking forward to hearing old stories and new adventures.

    • Yeah, and we’re not promising to keep our hands to ourselves this time, either, really. When he’s single again we’ll be mingling. Ha.

      What are your thoughts on all of this nonsense, btw? xx Hy

      • Ok, so maybe it’s not certain… My thoughts – first, it’s not nonsense. It’s your life, so no regrets! The TN stories are hot, but I know you’ll great times later – maybe even hotter. I’ve seen similar scenarios play out a few times before. Problem is I think it’ll be really hard on you until one of you moves away. If it’s not the 4am girl, it’s going to be a 6 am girl or whoever comes after. Even if you’re in a relationship, you’re going to see her coming in/out of the place and unfortunately it’ll be a mindfuck. And its going to be absolutely awful if the next one’s young, beautiful, super sweet, and cures kid cancer. And you’ll hate her. And you’ll hate yourself for hating her.

        It’s going to be hard – probably impossible – for you to be friends. But then again, WTF do I know… You may end up getting married. If you do, can I get an invite? Or at least promise I can see the wedding night video? OK, how about if you just promise you’ll keep writing?

      • God, you’re so right. I’d love it if I met a great guy and he could fuck me on my balcony and TN could see it. Is that wrong?? Chances are, though, with my luck it’ll be the other way around ha.

        And he and I are NOT going to end up together. No way, no how. Chapter is done. :)

        I kinda hope he stumbles on this blog one day and sees how I saw him and us. He’d likely hate me, but… Oh well.

  7. A very positive move on your part. I think this is in Hy’s best long term interests. Though, I must admit, I’m sad to hear we won’t be exposed to the inner thoughts on TN in future … I so love magical mystery tours. And I don’t see why you must “get thee to a nunnery” for 2 months. Seems pointless.


    • Heh. The nunnery is just to clear my head. Three dates last time I was kid free yielded in only two, small flaccid penises and some pussy eating. Out a bad taste in my mouth – no pun intended.

      And I’m still looking. Someone strikes my fancy I’ll likely go out with him :)

  8. i hope you and TN can keep your hands off each other, I don’t think it’s doing any more good (even if taking your hands off hurts a lot). 2 months cockles seems to be a good plan as well (though might be tough …) – I hope you that your affair with TN has shown you what you really need and deserve from a guy, and how much you are ready to give
    – so you won’t settle for anything less in the future :-)

    • Z, my relationship with him has shown me exactly that! And I won’t lie: I hope against all hope that every woman he’s with is measured against me in every way. My body, my looks, my heart, my mind, my pussy, my mouth. Sex was so good between us and our rapport so great that I KNOW he feels the difference with her. He’s already said she’s a bit of a prude and he’s hoping she won’t be anymore now that they’ve fucked.

      Anyway, all this to say, being cockless is the goal, but who’s to say what will really happen?

      Thanks for your note! xx Hy

  9. I can’t. believe. he chose. 4am girl. What a moron. I give it 4 months. If she hasn’t burned down his xmas tree by xmas then it’s because she pricked him with the knife while carving couples jack-o-lanterns. She’ll go crazy on him and he’ll be her rock. I just see it already. Then he’ll come crying to you and probably ask you for band-aids and advice. Some guys just aren’t open to stable women because they want to be the stable ones. He really should be a good friend and do you the courtesy of moving the fuck away but that’s not going to happen because he wants you around too. I hope you find somebody better. Somebody with loud thunderous footsteps and a cock that makes his feel like an old mattress you didn’t realize was so uncomfortable until you slept in a new one. Fuck him. Manbaby.

    My psychic prowess can’t help but cut in:
    – she’ll go wacko on him, probably throw things (you’ll hear angry screaming, glass breaking. He’ll probably borrow your vacuum to clean it up)
    – things will get smoothed over every time, usually by daybreak
    – he’ll distance himself from you but eventually come to borrow your dust pan or something pathetic and cry on your shoulder and rub his cock on your buttock
    – he’ll go home like a sad puppy, as usual
    – the cycle will continue
    – he’ll tell you he misses you
    – 4am girl will get possessive and target you, maybe even try to be your frenemy
    – he’ll begin to resent her
    – he’ll eventually break free
    – you’ll have sex with him again
    – he’ll tell you the news that he’s found someone new, a nice, quiet, 26 yr old doting boring betty who won’t cause him grief (or love his cock like you did)
    -he’ll never smile and never be happy

    Like all the above people are stating, you’re my internet hero. You’ve given me insight into a weirdly parallel relationship I’m going through right now and I think about words like “4am girl” throughout my day doing regular activities. I get twinges of what you’re feeling because I’m feeling them too, only about girls I call “Doting Boring Betty.” I keep saying about my warped love affair that if nothing else, I got you out of it (because I, like all the above, was seeking squirt expertise for my 28 yr old blue eyed badass). I was pulling for you and TN because I was pulling for me but he’s simply not the guy. The true guy is in your dreams and in the exhales. He’s in the pillow all those mornings TN left, he’s in the jokes you share with your child, and he’s in all the words you write on this blog. He may not be reading it, but he’d damn well be in love with this thing if he ever did. TN is just not at that level. But you know that. I say these things to you because I’m saying them to me too. He’s out there. If nothing else just breathe You in, breathe TN out, and watch true guy materialize.

    Love you, friend.

    • Wow, EL, let’s see if your psychic predictions come true! I can tell you this much: at around 10:30 last night I heard his door slam twice and then I got a text. He wanted to know if I was up still and could he come over. He was bored. So, basically, he’d spent the entire day with her next door (and I’d gone to my mother’s to avoid them both all damn day only to come home and have her STILL fucking be there), then he walked her to her car and then immediately came over.

      He also took off his shirt and said inappropriate things. I rebuffed it all, felt trapped, and mostly irritated at the intrusion. We spent a little over an hour together, had some wine. He never went to the amusement park because 4 am girl was “sick all day” (read: hungover like a bitch). He also told me they’d played 3 games of Scrabble (our game). He’d beaten her twice. I told him what an accomplishment that was since she’s a genius with a 155 IQ. He said, “Yeah, she tells everyone that.” My sarcasm dripped from the railings when I told him how proud of himself he should be. So, riddle me all that.

      I’ve realized some important things about him in the last 24 hours all of which, incidentally, fit with your psychic predictions. We’ll see what happens next. I almost regret saying I’m not going to talk about him anymore… but really, this blog is about me, not about him.

      And lastly, thank you for all your kind words. My readers are so very important to me and the fact that my journey benefits anyone fills my heart with happiness and gives me more reason to share and be open (I struggle with it frequently – like, what is it I’m doing here??). Your words were so touching I teared up, “He’s in the pillow all those mornings TN left.” Jesus Christ, Elegant Lady. Thank you for that. Thank you so very, very much. xx Hy

  10. Amen, sister. You have to stay done with TN because you ain’t going nowhere with him. I wonder about the whole being friends immediate transition. Most people need a break before they are able to pull that off.

      • Yes, I read it. But though you say you’re part of the congregation, my Lord you tend to stray. It’s our job to try and have you follow the true path.

      • I just mean, that I’m not a video game piece like I sometimes think y’all wish I was. I just won’t do what you see I should clearly do. I feel guilty about that at times, but am unable to help but do my own thing. It’s not because your advice isn’t wonderful, sound, sage, and kind, it’s just because knowing what to do doesn’t make it happen. If that were the case no one would ever need therapy. :) But please, don’t stop.

      • No, I don’t think any of us feel you should be like a robot. Quite the opposite. I think we all are aware of, admire, and dare I say, love Hy’s strong emotions and carnality. Robot? Never!

  11. Hy…dear younger version of me (lol)….I have sworn off cock in order to clear my head (clearly sensual programming is hard to overcome sometimes)…and I suppose it works to a degree. I do hope you will stay strong and get through this and hold out for what you deserve. I’m a good 10 years older than you and the prospects of finding a true love at my age are even slimmer. Add two kids under teen years and…yeah well…not a lot of dates for this horny old deviant….

    I hope you know your value….and that you won’t settle for anyone who doesn’t know it as well. It can be hard when the loneliness seeps in…but remember you have age on your side and the hard-earned knowledge of your experiences with TN. He is a man-child whose place was to teach you about who you are and what you have inside you…he was here to help you blossom beautiful Hyacinth..and now you’re on your way to full bloom. Sending sunshine sweetie! xoxo

    • I wonder how many people have called him a “man-child,” “manbaby,” “manpuppy,” or some other version of that in this comment thread and/or over time? I swear I’ve never looked at him this way. Maybe I should have been?

      And thank you for your insights and your words. I’ll take them to heart. I feel the fear of not finding someone at my age and wonder what it will be like 10 years from now all the time. It must be hard. But I’d have to say my standards are low-ish from time to time, so that helps my dating average. :)

      I hope you know your value, as well. Just because you have kids and are older than you remember doesn’t mean you’re not a hot commodity. xx Hy

  12. I think that sometimes the things that are right in front of our faces are the least apparent.

    It’s like “DANGER DANGER DANGER”, but we choose to ignore the flashing red lights.

    TN wants to have his cake (4am drunk) and eat it too (you).

    Like I said in my post to you yesterday, the only way OUT is THROUGH.

    Just know, there are bigger (hopefully in more ways than one!) and BETTER men out there for you.

    TN is too immature, flighty and fickle for you.

    Think about it- strangers on the internet think you’re awesome because of how honest you are. If WE can see it… why doesn’t he?

    Cause he’s a dope, that’s why.

    • Hehe thanks, Ella. He’s just young and inexperienced. I still think he’s a terrific guy. And yes, hopefully I’m on to BIGGER and better things soon! xx Hy

  13. I’m sad you have to let someone in your life go, it always sucks. However, like Louie CK said, no good relationship ended. If it ended it means it wasn’t good for the people involved and you should be happy for them. So, I’m happy for ya.

  14. That’s amazing. I truly believe the power is in going for what you want, and putting yourself out there in the world. Really showing your making an effort. This is really helping me with my personal demons. I get so confused but putting it in words or reading it from another person gives you so much hope. Thank you. (don’t worry about writing back, I’d think it to be exhausting and I’ve posted wayyyy to many comments in a very short time.)

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