I’m jealous.

And sad. And lonely.

Let me back up. It’s not what you think.

My exhusband and The Neighbor share a lot of traits: emotionally cut-off/distant, introverted, sensitive, sweet, Mid-Western, socially shy, inexperienced, bad family relationships, and highly intelligent (they’re both in the genius range) to name a few. And now they share another: they have girlfriends.

I’m extremely close with my exhusband; he’s like a brother to me. I deeply love him and him me. We never should have tried a lifelong romantic pairing, but being connected to him via our child is a wonderful idea. He’s smart, funny, witty, considerate. Over the past two years I’ve encouraged him to open up to me about his dating life and, reluctantly and with some discomfort, he has until today he’s completely open with me.

The funny thing is I’ve been much less forthcoming. I wasn’t sure how I was to say, “Oh yeah, Troy fucked me last night with another bisexual man and it was rockin’!” He doesn’t know my current proclivities and I’d prefer to keep it that way. But in light of losing my heart to my young lover I began to open up. Feelings were something I could share with him.

It was Mother’s Day when I admitted to my exhusband that I had feelings for TN (he only knew him as “The Engineer” at the time) and he disclosed many similar things between him and his love interest, Mary. Mary was open and gregarious, loved him, wanted more. My exhusband wanted space, felt pressured, and didn’t match her feelings. So, being mature and kind, he’d broken things off with her. She begged for a friends with benefits sort of arrangement, but he didn’t believe she could handle it. They’d fight when he’d do nice things for her, “Why do you do that if you don’t love me??” she’d cry to him. He couldn’t answer. It was just a nice thing to do.

As he and I shared more details of our breakups — and TN’s identity was revealed to him — we were both shocked to discover we’d both had almost an identical relationship as the other. Mary had said many of the same things to my exhusband as I’d said to TN, “That’s what a man in love does,” for instance. My exhusband had prickled at that much the same as TN had. The big differences lay in the fact that in my exhusband’s relationship he’d been the one to end it for her sake. In mine, it’s been all me.

Fast forward to this last week and my exhusband tells me that he and Mary decided to get back together after a weekend away together doing a sporting event (something she’d locked him into doing with her back in February). I rolled my eyes and scoffed. “Don’t dick her over,” I said. “If you can only do this for 3 months, don’t. You need to give her at least a year.”

He rolled his eyes back at me. ‘Of course, Hy, I’ve given this a lot of thought. I think I can do it now. I can handle it.” And there it was. A change of fucking heart. That thing we women always long for, see in movies, and whisper to ourselves into our pillows. He was the one who’d broken her heart, gotten away, and she gave it a little time and space and he came around. He’s willing now to involve her in his life whereas before she was on the fringe; he’s taking her to his sister’s wedding back East in a few weeks with Peyton; she’s going to finally meet me. He’s spending days on end with her whenever he’s kid-free and they do two things: fuck and ride bicycles.

I’m more than happy for him. I’m thrilled, but I’m also gutted. This is what TN is doing, too. This morning, Tuesday, marks the fourth night in a row TN has stayed away from home overnight. He’s with his “Mary” now. Loving her, wanting to be with her. His flaws and distance shrouded in a honeymoon veil. I will never get my change of heart from him. I have lost him completely.

How is it that these two men — decent and kind, yes, but also wholly unavailable — can find women to love them and want to be with them for days on end when I can find no one for more than a few hours? That’s what I’m jealous about. That’s what hurts me to the core. I want what they have. And neither of them, ultimately, wanted it with me.

29 thoughts on “I’m jealous.

  1. This is going to be harsh … men stay with women they respect. As I’ve told you over and over again, TN never showed you an ounce of respect. Was that your fault? No, he’s a pathetic asshole who’d rather be with a woman who pisses herself than a self-possessed woman who gives in totality … but whatever the reason, he never respected you.

    Just because someone has genius IQ doesn’t mean they aren’t a dumb shit which he is. You have nothing to be jealous of. TN is a loser … you gave your heart to someone who wasn’t worthy. Your ex … well time will tell on that one, but when you have to be convinced you generally are making a mistake.

    All my love and hugs …

    • Is it harsh to say TN never respected me? I don’t think it is. Despite my last sentence, I know it has nothing to do with me and my value as a human being. It still stinks to high heaven, though.

      I sit and wonder all the time if I know how to gain someone’s respect anymore. Will Beefcake respect me since we fucked on our second date?? It felt natural. I wanted it. Is that fair to say he won’t because I gave in all too easily?

      With TN, I don’t know if he respected me or not. I know you don’t think he did, but… well, no, he probably didn’t in the end. He got what he needed and wanted (experience) and moved on.

      It hurts, 40. It hurts. :(

      • I know baby, and you get all my hugs and kisses and back strokes for real.

        The truth is that sex is not what makes a man respect/not respect the woman. Beefy will respect you when you respect yourself if he, himself is a man worth respecting.

        TN had faults against you right from the beginning. It had nothing to do with fucking.

        Men respect woman who don’t settle, who carry themselves with respect, who take care of themselves and are independent.

        At least, that’s my experience.

        XXXXXXX

    • Freedom, you said it perfectly. I hesitate to call TN a loser just cause Hy cares for him so much. But everything else you said. Especially the part about him being a pathetic asshole who’d rather be with a woman who pisses herself. You get an amen from my corner.

  2. Oh boy. 1st thing. Though the whole post compares the 2 situations, there is a HUGE difference which you seem to ignore. Your ex is a lot older than TN, and obviously much more mature. TN is immature, even for his age. He is incapable of appreciating what he has squandered. In 10 years he will shit himself because he will realize what a fool he was. I agree with 40 (and most of the IBF gang), he never fully respected you.

    2ndly … ” … neither of them, ultimately, wanted it with me… ” This hurts me to see you say this, but not nearly as much as it hurts you, I know. Neither of them were ready nor able to receive and appreciate the gifts you bring. This is not a Hy fault. Most country bumpkins do not appreciate high quality wines. You wouldn’t blame the wine would you? We still need to work on your aura, Babe

    • Aw, thanks, Mike. I can sleep at night knowing TN will kick himself in 10 years, but that doesn’t help me today in practicality. Seriously. And I know it’s not ME, but it still fucking sucks big ass donkey dicks (and not the fun kind).

    • Also, you’re right about their differences. TN jus turned 28, my ex is 41. 13 years, a failed marriage and fatherhood is under my ex’s belt, and he’s a much better man for it. He once said if he couldn’t make it work with me (he knew on some level what he had, but couldn’t close the distance), then he was afraid he couldn’t make it with anyone. Funny thing: Mary is A LOT like me. Se doesn’t know it, though.

      God, I wish this would just end already…

  3. They say respect is earned and for the most part, I do agree. BUT… I think it’s easier to respect someone who knows they deserve it. Not in an asshole-y “I’m the shit” kind of way. But in an “I’m a good person” kind of way.

    Do you not respect BC because you had sex on the second date? I don’t sense that from you. Ergo, why would he disrespect you?

    Our realities are a projection of how we feel inside. If you feel that perhaps you aren’t the respectable kind, you won’t be respected. It’s easy for me to say that to somebody else- I’d make a good life coach but am shit at doing it for myself. Go figure.

    As far as TN goes… I agree, he doesn’t respect you. I don’t think he respects anybody. Not Vanilla Ice. Not you. And certainly not 4am girl. There could be a million reasons for that, but as stated above, I think his lack of respect is a reflection of how he feels inside. TN has issues. Serious issues that have hurt you and will hurt other women in the future.

    The difference between your ex and TN is seems obvious after reading this post. Your marriage didn’t work out, but he still cares. He’s a good father. The ex has the ability to love. I don’t think TN does.

    There IS a guy out there for you. I have no doubt of that. Keep your mind on that and don’t back down when TN eventually shows his face.

    • I believe I deserve respect. I’m always shocked when I don’t get it. And, no, of course I still respect Beefcake :)

      I wondered about it only because my usual way of doing things hasn’t resulted in anything meaningful (respectful).

      If I made men wait to fuck me, would things be different for me?? But I want to fuck when I want to fuck. I don’t want to play games. It’s sexist and a double standard. But that’s not really my point.

      My point is only that I’m jealous of them. Deeply so. They’re happy. I’m miserable and alone.

  4. I so agree about the double standard. It’s deeply programmed for most to judge WOMEN who embrace sexuality. I look at it like I’m only going to live once. I plan to enjoy the hell out of this and idiots who judge can go fuck themselves.

    It makes us all sad that YOU are sad. It’s totally understandable and natural, and you have to feel your feelings. You’re upset about TN spending all these nights out with 4am. It’s a huge change and it isn’t something you can pretend isn’t happening. We feel your pain. None of us like TN, but we all care about YOU. So if you’re hurting, we hurt for you.

    Having your ex decide to man up for Mary must seem like the cruelest of timing in the current situation, to see what might have been but the key difference is that your ex CAN man up.

    You said your ex is emotionally unavailable, but you are still close and he is a good father, and for that we’ve got to put that relationship in the win pile. Just because things end doesn’t mean the experience was less meaningful.

    Remember. You might not be in a relationship RIGHT NOW- but you aren’t alone. You have Peyton, you have friends ~ including your ex, and you have IBF.

    The guy for you IS out there. Right now he’s probably wondering where the fuck the girl for him is hiding. Find him!

    • Thanks so much, Ella. I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve such wonderful, loving people in my life, but I’m grateful nonetheless. Only my exhusband hears what’s going on for me with TN (well, and Downstairs Neighbor, too and one other girlfriend, but 98% of the people in my life have no idea any of this is happening). Ever since I broke up with TN around 4th of July my BFF abandoned me completely and I haven’t seen her since (she texts every once in a while and I struggle to text back). So, you guys are it for me to help me work through all of this. So THANK YOU (again).

      And yes, the timing of my ex getting back together with his girl is awful. Fucking the worst, really. He is emotionally unavailable — and he knows it — maybe this time around he’ll be better with her. Of course the experience between us was immensely meaningful. I can’t imagine my life without him and I feel lucky to still have him.

      I like how optimistic you are, Ella. You’re quite the cheerleader :) xx Hy

  5. I really do feel your pain about these guys and everything offered to you here seems pretty accurate. I don’t like, agree, believe in, judge or act in accordance with popular social opinion. I hate it, unless it’s a good fight. I know this is subjective and relative to YOU and I, but it is and has been programmed into society and the male brain that loose women aren’t respectable – PERIOD. The 70’s Wome’s Lib movement gave women the freedom to control their sex with “the pill” and there was the explosion of “free sex” but that was then. I think it’s just something to consider when you feel like fucking a guy on the second date or second minute. Yes – you have a right to fuck anyway – anyone – anyhow, of course. You are thinking with your dick – clit – vibe – vag… : ) Personally, I know I can’t control the urge to have sex once those feelings get going. If I want to have a real relationship, I will get to know the guy AWAY from situations that foster fucking EASILY. Another thing to consider – and this is also an instinctual thing – the chase. NOT playing games but building up some pent up desire is a powerful tool for FUN sex – not for fucking with someone’s head but just for the cat and mouse of it all WHILE you get to know what his character is. THAT’S what you need to check out BEFORE spelunking. A little tension and grit can be fun BEFORE you start fucking like rabbits : ) Like I said at first, I don’t agree but men are taught by most media -religion etc to see easy lays as bad character, and NOT good as far as a good catch for a girlfriend. I hate that they haven’t caught up!! I KNOW SOME MEN WILL NOT AGREE but I believe they are a minority. Your field of possibilities is limited by social standards and it does suck big ass donkey dicks but it’s there nonetheless.

    • I think Jayne has something here. At least part of the reason sex has been so phenomenal with TN has to be that you really KNOW him, as opposed to someone like BC who you don’t. (yet)

      • I guess it’s self control but more so I think it is a strategy and a “stacking of the cards” to have a long term relationship. Like I said I hate judgement by societies standards but they exist and therefore, any GUY who will fuck you immediately HAS NO STANDARDS himself. He’s NOT looking for a long term thing. If a guy is so ready to do you immediately – it’s telling about him too. It also tells what he’s looking for or how he discriminates too. It is insightful to their character. You have to find a guy with a modern mindset and good character FIRST – IF you want to start a quality relationship. Yes, one night stands can turn into quality relationships but I think that really only works well for julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.

  6. may I alsobadd that Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne started out as a one night stand or had sex within days and they seem happy still and she’s talked about how they still have a lot of sex. The Dom Next Door wrote back and forth before they met and he’s still SO in love
    (sigh) – some have other people who remained married – I just can’t remember names. POINT – it is not common and easily found. Jayne

  7. Hy….it seems sad to me that I’m older than you and still struggling to learn the same lessons you are learning…and Ella feels like another twin sister…I’m great at helping others but not so much for myself. It is sometimes hard to see our own good….especially when we’re lonely and reach for the creature comforts of arms to hold and lips to kiss.

    I think Jayne has a point that even when we have sex right off the bat….at least the men seem to put us in a category of slut and they themselves are not any better (and I agree it says alot about them too if that’s all they’re looking for). It is harder to turn a sex relationship into a more meaningful connection. I know you want to wring the sex out of life while you’re young…but just make sure you are doing it without cost to your heart dear one. If you can have truly guilt free sex and respect yourself (that’s the key) in the morning, then go for it.

    For me…I found it to be empty calories and even if the guy swore up and down he didn’t think less of me…I started to simply because sex just wasn’t enough to sustain me any more.

    I often wonder what the new wife of my ex hubby had that I didn’t….but I can’t keep beating myself up over that because I’ll never heal otherwise. We did not part on good terms and he barely parents our children from afar, so I have lost most of the respect I had for him. But..I feel the pain of watching on the sidelines as someone else steps in and becomes the “plus one” for someone you loved. Especially when you don’t have your own “plus one” and aren’t willing to settle for anything less than you deserve.

    You are learning and growing each day and we’re all here to help you…and through you…know you are helping people like me in the process who have many of the same or similar issues. I have so much admiration for how much you put yourself out here for all of us….it is that raw vulnerability (warts and all, so to speak) that makes us all love you so much and want for you to win your battles with your demons. Your perfectly imperfect my dear……xooxo

  8. Your time – and perfect mate – will come. In the meantime, keep having fun – but not too much fun, of course!
    Seriously, you have a beautiful soul and sooner or later it will meet its match…

  9. Pingback: I’ll try to keep this short: My life assessed by another. | A Dissolute Life Means...

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