I won’t lie to you. Even when I want to.

I started this blog 7 months ago in an attempt to wrangle my life back into something resembling balance.  I didn’t have an idea of what that looked like, I just knew that having sex with up to 4 different men in a single week wasn’t it.  Would it look like having 3 steady mean in my life?  One?  Would it mean I was celibate, or, possibly that I rushed headlong into an alternate lifestyle altogether?

I didn’t know.

All I knew is that I was melting away under the friction of my life and something needed to change.  So I stopped adding men at the rate I was and for many months I concentrated on only the original 3: Jason, Phillip, and The Neighbor.  Sure, I went on the occasional date here and there, but my standards for accepting an invitation went up many fold.

Since I started this blog I’ve slept with 7 men, a considerable reduction to my previous numbers; the previous year had me at 25 lovers.  My experience with TN, my new relationship with my exhusband, my continued work in therapy, and this blog and my connections with you all have drastically affected how I view my self, my body, and my heart.

There are some things I know to be true about me that I’d like to put out there.  First, I am a good person — an exceptional person, really, if I’m to believe some — but I don’t believe it.  (Well, I believe it some of the time at least.)  It’s this disbelief in my own worth that plagues me like cancer.  It infiltrates my heart when I need to be the strongest and I am drawn to those on occasion whom aren’t the safest.

Second, I view my body as my own playground; I give it freely and often and with no regret.  I get great pleasure by giving pleasure and am able to distinguish between me and her, that woman whom everyone wants and finds desirable.  She is alluring, confident, and potent.  She is everything a man ever wants her to be.  While, me, I am sensitive, loving, and vulnerable.  My therapist believes she is hurting me.  I’m trying to cut her some slack.

Third, I need to reconcile these two parts of me, so incongruent and seemingly at odds: the soft, vulnerable, serious, loving side with this playful one.  Some of you believe I need to demand respect, others think I should be celibate.  You all have an idea of me and wish for me to move to this part of the video game landscape or to that one.  You see where this might be headed with TN or beefy, but nerdy, or maybe you just hope for the best.  I’m trying desperately to blend my natural drive to connect with people with the fear of also being wholly myself.  It’s not a matter of just doing X to achieve Y.  It’s more like some pages-long equation ending in F$*!.

My childhood taught me that to be myself meant certain rejection; love became equated with being who they wanted me to be.  So, that’s what I do today: I am whoever they need me to be and I feel loved.

I slept with TN again Wednesday night and again Thursday morning.  I’ve been afraid of writing about it not because I feel like it was wrong, but because I know many of my readers do.  I’m ok with it, frankly.

Tipsy from celebrating with my friends Wednesday night I came home around midnight because he’d promised to vacuum for me.  I was to knock when I got home.  I did, but there was no answer.  I tried the door and it was open.  We have a long-standing agreement that if the door is unlocked it’s code for, “come in.”  So I did.

And I found him asleep in his dark room buried under white peaks of down.  He invited me under the covers and we cuddled and I fell asleep in his arms.  I woke up later hot and peeled off my summer dress and tossed it on the floor, went back to sleep.  I woke up a couple of hours later to his hands sliding over my hip and thigh and dipping below my white eyelet panties.

I thought, “Oh, fuck.  I shouldn’t be doing this,” not because I truly felt that way, but because of what my readers would say and then I put it all out of my mind and let his fingers enter me and stroke me.  I watched him mount and enter me bare and beautiful and felt him slam away inside.  He lost all control in less than 5 minutes and exploded inside of me.

I couldn’t stop giggling. He was aghast and mortified.  “Hy, I’m so, so sorry.  That’s never happened to me before.  That felt like less than 2 minutes.  I usually go 35.”

“Well, well, well.  Looks like TN is a mortal man, after all,” I said into his chest.

“Hey, I’m an extraordinary man masquerading as an ordinary one,” he chuckled back.

“Sure, whatev.  Welcome to the real world.”

I played with his chest hair and made him take back his apology.  “If you could choose between cumming 5 times or me cumming in under 2 minutes, which would you choose,” he asked.

“The latter.  Hands down.”

“Really??”

“Yeah, totally.  Because it never happens.  You just lost control, completely.  Nothing hotter than that.”

We fell back asleep and moved to our sides of the king-sized bed.  I slept fitfully, my dreams laced with pinched, unrequited love and body pillows subbing as hugs.

I woke up to soft, morning light wrapped in fluffy covers with him sleeping soundly beside me.  I reached out and stroked his hip and reached around to his hanging sack and walked my fingers up his shaft.  He was hard.  As usual.  I gripped it and moved my hand.  He didn’t stir.  I sat up and bent over and took him in my mouth.  His breathing remained even, his mouth gently hanging open.

I pushed his left shoulder down, forcing him on his back and he smiled and stretched as I spread his legs and knelt between them.

“You’re the only man I know who sleeps through a blowjob.”

“Mmmm,” was all he said.

I took him in my mouth again and reveled in his taste.  He moaned and thrust up into my face.  Then I climbed up on him and leaned over him, letting a nipple drag across his lips as I positioned him at my entrance.  I bore down and sat up, proud of my body as he eyed me hungrily through heavy lids.

I rocked back and forth on him and felt him in my throat.  I started to cry out and whimper.  His hands were by his head as he let me set the pace and pleasure myself with him.  He had a delicious grin curve to his mouth.

I came and drenched us with my juices and leaned forward again and he took a breast in his mouth.  I gripped his headboard adding more of my handprints to the amber-colored wood.  I wondered if Downstairs Neighbor could hear the banging and if 4 am girl would notice the handprints next time she was on top in the daylight.

I climbed off and took him back in my mouth and worked him like putty.  He shot his load deep down in the back of my throat after a minute or two and I curled up into the nook of his arm.

I’ve decided to not talk about what it is we’re doing with each other.  One, it’s none of his business why I’m doing it.  I’m fucking him because I want to, not because I think it’s going to change anything; two, I don’t care if it goes away again.  I’ve already lost him; and three, it won’t make a difference.  It seems obvious we’re a pair of goddamned idiots who can’t keep our clothes on around one another.  It’ll end when one of us steels ourselves to the other.  I’m using him as much as he’s using me (if that’s even what’s happening).

He is a good man, but he’s fucked up.  Just like me.  I don’t seem to be able to extricate myself, but I also feel impervious to more damage.  I am a contradiction, I know.  It is a privilege to be with me and to know me, yes, but I also can do whatever I want with myself.  And right now, I feel like fucking this kid.

I also don’t feel like doing much else with anyone else.  Beefy, but nerdy has a shelf-life.  The other men I’ve met haven’t held my interest enough for a second date.  I am ok with this.  I understand that so long as I remain entangled with TN I am keeping myself from finding someone else, but I also feel safe from looking.  This is a holding pattern.  Not purgatory, but a rest-stop.  I’ll stop with TN when I’m fully ready.  Obviously, I’m not ready, yet.

I’m afraid that I will lose half my readers because I won’t do “the obvious.”  Well, the obvious on this side of the screen is much, much different from it is on yours.  I’m trying to lead a life that makes sense to me and sometimes that looks utterly backwards.  The journey to the destination is rarely a straight line, as they say.

TN subbed on my softball team last night, it was the playoffs.  We won our first game, lost the second.  He stayed late and hung out with me and my friends and then he vacuumed my apartment for me when we got home.  In my white panties, of course.

And as a reward, I spanked him and fondled him and he even gave me a few swats back.  I’ve never experienced a relationship like this before.  It’s confusing, unfulfilling, thrilling, complicated, sweet, tender, and wrong.  It has all the major components of what an intimate relationship should be according to my wiring.  I will be hurt only inasmuch as I want more and I no longer do.  Not from him.

Last night I dreamt that he was with me in a green playing field.  I had on a white tank top, no bra.  My sister was there and my relationship with him was a secret, but he pushed the limits and outed us.  He sprayed water on my shirt to expose my breasts in front of her, he held my hand as we walked up to a nearby brownstone, and pushed me against a wall and kissed me passionately.  I tried to roll out from under him — my sister would never approve — and I tried to understand his behaviors.  On the one hand, I was thrilled, on the other, I was mistrustful.  “I want to see you naked.  Tonight,” he’d said.  “I want to be with you.”  He might have even said he loved me.  But I couldn’t believe it.  His words and actions have never meant truth and I awkwardly walked away, the sun in my eyes and my heart pounding.

My life is dissolute.  I am a contradiction of feelings and needs and wants.  I don’t know who left these bruises on me because three men this week had their hungry mouths on me.

Whodunnit?

But I’m ok with that.  It’s not a reflection of how little I love me or respect me.  I’m different from most.  It’s a reflection of how I want to play right now, how I want to interact with my world.  I trust my instincts to know I’m leading myself somewhere, even if you really want me to go left and all I’ll do is go right. I know that I fluctuate between what I should and shouldn’t do.  No emotion is stable, ever.  Not love, not anger, not sadness, not even resignation or determination.  New things happen, new thoughts occur, new energies are found and so the direction changes much as a river bends around boulders.

This chapter of my life, all documented here in, as you all say, raw and gritty detail is that journey.  The journey of my dissolute life and my healing heart.  I’m glad you’re here with me and I’m even glad for The Neighbor.

43 thoughts on “I won’t lie to you. Even when I want to.

  1. Life is what you make of it ~ excuses and all.

    Your decisions are your own, and as long as you can live with them, you have to do what you have to do.

    You have to know you’re kidding yourself. We’ve told you, you’ve told you, and more importantly- your therapist has told you.

    But you’re actively deciding to make the excuses and rationizations you need to make that will allow you to continue on this way. The only person you’re hurting is yourself.

    We’ve all done it, in one way or another. Some things are just more self destructive than others.

    You’ve actively decided to settle for less and to tell yourself that you’re happy.

    We all hope for the best for you, but I can clearly see that us talking to you about it isn’t doing any good at all. If anything, it’s causing you more anxiety.

    I’ll continue to read and cheer you on, but comment about TN I wont.

    ;-)

    • I am at peace with what I’m doing which is somewhat different from happy. I’m not kidding myself. I know what’s up.

      This is temporary, it’s been 5/6 weeks since it all blew up. I’m getting my bearings, I see my path – I think.

      I don’t want to turn you off of me or voicing your opinions, but I am a different person with a different lover no matter how many similarities there are between us and you and Golden. (And I am NOT saying TN and I are going to be together, quite the contrary, just that this will soon all be over, it’s just a slow death.)

      I know you’re trying to save me from myself and I’m grateful. You’re a good one to have in my corner. Thanks for not leaving. xx Hy

  2. It’s always a rockier road to wherever you’re going when you invite other’s in to view. Only you can make the choices. I must say that you do get some good advice here. Only you can feel and choose and decide. It’s a struggle to figure yourself out. Getting older has made me realize that many people are too afraid to even attempt and question what is within. You do – you continually are seeing something afar and I have a gut feeling that you will get there…in your own time. love, Jayne.

    • Thank you, Jayne. Opening up here and bearing it all has its advantages and disadvantages, for sure. It’s a struggle to be me sometimes or to be the me you all want me to be. Does that make sense? Thanks for your love, dear Jayne.

      • You’re right but please don’t take what I say as a directive I think YOU SHOULD follow. This is a tool in self awareness -IF you want to use it that way. Honestly, you can only write for yourself. You can’t be what WordPress wants you to be – that would lead to insanity, wouldn’t it? Trust me, if I opened up about my personal struggles and whats going on, I’d get great advice but that doesn’t mean I’m then enlightened and up to the task. I examine and try and forgive my traits that hold me and then I try to take a loving step- even a baby step- in the direction I know I have to go. It sometimes is a big one but mostly, I take small steps so I’m sure footed. My pespective changes each time and I adjust to it and do the same thing all over again. I’m frustrated and impatient but that’s the way change is. I try to be patient with myself but it is SO difficult sometimes. At least you’re not stagnant and dying Hy… or ignoring what you are obviously seeking.

  3. I, too, have 2 divergent personalities. Usually I’m out spoken … but once I see tits, I mostly s-t-f-u.

    Like “you”, I’m prepared to cut “her” some slack … let’s hope she is on the road to redemption … not as quickly or as directly as the map drawn by the IBF says, but due to arrive nonetheless. I hope so, because she is a wonderful person that deserves only the happiness she so rightly seeks.

  4. Don’t think about the opinions of others, not even (especially?) us. Propriety is just another phantom – not worth your worry.

    Life is for learning about ourselves, while we’re having fun. Sounds like you’re doing just that to me. :)

  5. Hy – speaking personally, you NEVER need to justify your actions to me. I am not your dad, your therapist, or your priest (although that might make for some fun sex-play…) I read you because you are real, honest, sexy, funny, smart, and I think if you and I met in the “real” world we’d be good drinking buddies. I read you because you turn me on, make me laugh and when I feel pain it’s because your writing is so fucking personal I feel like I am riding that roller coaster with you. You, my dear, have my unconditional blog love.

  6. I have read your thoughts…I have read your readers thoughts…and I tend not to comment because I know I’m not living your life…and no matter how thorough your writing, it’s never the complete story – I know that from my own blog…

    As someone who has grown to care for you through your blog (and who loves being one of your internet boyfriends), I want you to be happy…whatever form that takes is up to you, and only you know what will make you happy…I might think you deserve better, but ultimately, it’s your life and only you know the whole story (from your perspective, at least)…I will continue to read…I will continue not to give too many opinions, even when I agree with other opinions offered to you…

    I hope you find whatever makes you feel whole, in whatever form that takes…until then, be you, stay safe, take care of your little one, and the rest will sort itself out…

    By the way, completely jealous of those bruises… :-)

    ((hugs))

  7. Ok, I’m running past all the other comments because I’m really influenceable and I just want to say what I think. I also know about being whoever anyone wants me to be…
    I also do things that most people think I shouldn’t do, I have a hard time denying myself. Even when I know my actions are illogical. (to other people I guess.)

    ” I’m trying desperately to blend my natural drive to connect with people with the fear of also being wholly myself.”

    Be yourself My Hy With Whom I Fly!

    Bisous et des Câlins,
    Dawn

  8. Hy babe, it always comes down to the samething for me. It’s not the actions but how you define them or let them define you . Accept things for what they are transitional, I would rather have today than dream of a thousand tomorrows. It’s heartening to see some of that in you recently :).

    Only seven months it seems so much longer maybe its like dog years in the blogosphere.

    XXX’s. Cruel

    • Hahaha maybe it is like dog years. I like being realistic and living in the now. It hurts sometimes, but it passes. Just as the highs pass, too. Many xxs to you. Hy

  9. Hy, I’ve been mostly a lurker but I had to comment as I think you are being way too hard on yourself. However, first I want to say that you have one of the most compelling, well-written and amazingly honest blogs around. But I think you are too concerned about your audience. Your blog is yours and should serve your needs. You shouldn’t feel reluctant to write the truth because readers may disapprove. They are your sounding board, but not your judge and jury. I used to love having a blog because it was my record of my thoughts and my experiences. And as I shared the course of my torrid affair, some readers left critical comments, but I still did what I knew was right for me in the moment and didn’t apologize because no one could live my life but me. Unfortunately, I had to shut my blog down and miss it as an outlet terribly–you are lucky you can write so freely and please don’t stop.

    • Wow, H, thank you. That’s a compelling argument to be true. I will. It’s a learning experience. I’ve never had so many people care about what I
      Did before, you know?

      I don’t get why you had to quit blogging, though.

      Thanks for delurking. xx Hy

  10. Way too long to read, but thanks for showing your tits. Those are pretty damn nice, even with bruises put there by someone other than yours truly.

  11. Your closing statement was amazing. Seriously resonates with me as I get so confused over right and wrong. I really really struggle with this but I believe your right. Trust your instincts. Do what ever feels right in that moment. My thoughts and feelings and ideas change every single day. So much that I have to wait at Lear a week to a month to see if that idea will stay because if I don’t wait I may do something I regret.

    Too many people love to tell others what to do, what’s right, how they should live according to them. I say live and let live. I’m not anyone else, and everyone is wired differently.
    Thanks for an amazing blog.

  12. Dear Hy,
    I might not comment all that often, but I read your blog faithfully and enjoy it immensely. What makes me want to read, is that I see my own struggles in you. We all have self-doubt and it’s hard to know the right thing to do. But it’s important to know yourself and to make your own choices. How would we ever grow otherwise? Live in the present. Enjoy life. And believe that the right things will come to you when you need them. I respect you for your openness and honesty.
    Xoxo
    Ginger

  13. I’d never leave you in a million years….you’re stuck with me sistah ;). Again, what you write resonates with me in a very personal way. I’m a woman of many contradictions that drive those I love crazy. I admire your raw honesty and vulnerability…and dear God woman….we all know you’re great that’s why we’re all here peeping your blog. I hope my last comments didn’t offend…I worry about you like I would worry about anyone I care about….its ok. You’re perfectly imperfect…like the rest of us. We’ll be here regardless…and thanks for having us along for the ride. xoox

    • Oh, man, this is beyond kind of you to say. Thank you so very much. I fear more than anything that I wear on people, that I am too much. I let it all hang out here, but I still worry. I’m very glad you’re along for the ride.

      And no, your last comments didn’t offend. Not at all. xx Hy

      • I get it….totally. You’re much braver than I since my built in hangups still keep me from revealing too much. You have a lot of the same inner monologues I do..and plenty of people have walked away from me shaking their heads in vain. It will all work out….hopefully sooner for you than later. I do hope you’ll be able to come out of this with a clear head and no regrets…..

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