I take a bath. Naked, naturally.

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I woke in a sweat sometime before dawn today, my heart pounding. I fought to figure out why, then my dream came crashing down on me.

The Neighbor had been lying to me for months. He had been weasling his way into women’s lives and pussies for months and I was a royal fool. He’d rather lie to me than trust me enough to say, “Hy, I’d like to move on and date other women.”

The bitter taste of heartbreak, mistrust, and betrayal has not left my nervous system, obviously. I try to wash it away with his semen, but it lingers like orange juice after toothpaste.

Never mind that he texted me last night as I was about to leave my friends and their warm smiles to say he had something to show me.

His strange request to text him when I got home became a twisted, deviant maneuver in my dream designed to hide the woman he’d had over earlier.

Before he met me at the end of the hall, a light in his eyes as he spied me in my dress, before he kissed me hello, before we peeled off our clothes and together cuddled under my down comforter, limbs intertwined.

My dreams are a manifestation of my waking fears, obviously. As I nuzzled and kissed his hard body last night — never breaking my promise to him to neither suck or fuck him — and in my warm-belly-inebrebriated state, I felt a vulnerable and tender loving for him coat me like mist.

I am so fucked. But I doubt any of you are surprised by this.

And so I soak tonight, alone, and told him I wanted to be solo tonight.

I also shared my dream with him, making certain it was the deceit that hurt so much.

His response was, “Uh, ok. Don’t forget to hold what Dream TN did against Real TN.”

I assureD him I’d never do that, but that telling Real TN always helped because he reminded me that Dream TN was a crazy person and, essentially, not true.

His acerbic response to all of it in general was, “Yeah, that sounds like me.”

I’m drowning again for this brief moment, pulled under by eddies hidden at the bend in the river. I hope to be stronger than this and get back out into the quiet pull of the center.

Go away, Hope. You’re fucking killing me.

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29 thoughts on “I take a bath. Naked, naturally.

  1. ” … like orange juice after toothpaste…” Now that, my dear, is the most unique Hy-ism I can recall. I can honestly say I have never seen that comparison before.

    You just keep your head above water, Babe … you’ll be fine … eventually. Guaranteed

    Mike

  2. TN is kind of like clay, you can mold him to what you desire now, but he’s not clear on what he wants to be …yet. Time will tell or you’ll lose patience in 2 years or so haha
    hugs, Jayne

    • I don’t think my heart could last that long. This constant worry I’m being passed over; it’s humiliating and stupid and awful and pointless. Why am I constantly giving all my peer away???

      I always love your thoughtful comments, sweet Jayne. I IM’d you the other day. Did you notice? xx Hy

      • Yes, I saw – I missed you. : ( I don’t think you give your power away at all. You get hurt when he falls short of your deeper needs but thats not anything against you. He’s just where he is and you know, despite the haters – TN isn’t bullshitting you. He has boundaries and he says clearly to you where he cannot go. He seems as sexually fun as fuckety fucktastic can get and I think the skin to skin just keeps seducing you into thinking he’ll change his mind because he is within that salacious, delicious, giving, soft, hard addictive skin. At least that is what I imagine I would be feeling, if I were you. Ultimately, it takes power to figure yourself out under these conditions, so, you’re using your power, you’re not handing over anything. I do think that the deeper you go, feeling more for him than he says he can for you, the more strength you’ll need when he decides it is time to go find the cookie cutter woman of his mind. (and by the way… he has mentioned how he doesn’t feel under different situations. It makes me think of how uncomfortable it is to have something serious with someone who “feels” LESS than I do. That’s my story over here, and it was yours with your ex. Just something to ponder for your own self, but I’m sure you have. love and splashes to you.

      • Wow, yes to all of this. My exhusband used to say the SAME things to me as TN does. It’s a big reason why I’ve been so weepy lately: I’ve gotten involved with yet another man who’s cut off from me :(. Except at least my husband thought I was right for him in the beginning.

      • Isn’t it so fucked but yet so predictable, what we do? Picking the same type of person is an old behavioral pattern. It feels natural – change is hard and scary. The only way to break it is to twist and turn your girders within to break a bit. – my .02

  3. The question that comes to mind is if it really changes anything? You’ve been emotionally smacked multiple times, but the dynamic between the two of you bounces back after a period of adjustment/repair/healing.

    • If I’m perfectly honest, no, not at all. It’s just part of the cycle. I went through and cleaned up my timeline (Men and Chronology tabs) and I could see very clearly the pattern there. I’m attempting to avoid the cycle this time around (4th!! lol).

  4. I love how your choose your wine to match your nails, toes, even the lid on the jar by the side.
    Elegance, even while your heart is breaking.

  5. Deep breath and enjoy that young man. Great memories you are creating together…don’t worry about the future or you will miss the great times you have with him now. He has given to you more than he probably even knew he could give to any one. Enjoy that he entrusts you with his soul …no matter how long that may be. He is who he is and he wants you. ;)

  6. Just catching up on your blogs, dear. Like what others have said…epic metaphor. I just want to hi-five you, give you a hug, have a drink with you, and bake you a cake all at the same time.

  7. “The bitter taste of heartbreak, mistrust, and betrayal has not left my nervous system, obviously. I try to wash it away with his semen, but it lingers like orange juice after toothpaste.”
    Brilliant!
    Hang in there, young lady! You’re one of my favorites and I hate to see you sad…

  8. Premonition, or deepest fear? Perhaps neither. I have a dream that still scares me of a maniacal robotic mouse. Not kidding. Still freaks me out.

    Dreams can be just dreams. Otherwise…I need to go to PD and make some confessions…. ;-)

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