Holding my breath.

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I wait, a tightness in my chest. It’s been 24 hours since I’ve heard from him. He’s in Vancouver for a bachelor party. The radio silence was abrupt and without notice.

I’m ok with it.  Mostly.  It also irritates me.  Then I get irritated that it irritates me.

I told him to take pictures of the stripper/poker dealer.

I miss him, but I feel 190 pounds lighter. My days — and nights — are my own. I’ve been surprised by my own fantasies of how I would spend this precious free time.

I’ve decided I won’t be dissolute this weekend, but it didn’t come to me easily.

Am I a woman in love??

Yes, I am, but I’m also a woman without a bona fide commitment.

And so my wanton, hussy self that dangles behind, flashing in the bright lights of the world like a fishing lure, makes a weekend alone into a moral dilemma.

I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing or not.

 

Sinful Sunday

78 thoughts on “Holding my breath.

  1. d an interesting comment from a reader today …

    Interesting path you are taking…starting out thinking your blog will be about THIS or THAT and then finding out it may take a different slant altogether.

    I saw you over on Kayla’s space and others. Maybe you have some different things to say.
    ;-)

    Owl

    Seems I am being called to share.
    I have over a half dozen blogs, but they are all mostly just for one person or another.
    In this persona, I have several dozen posts, but they are mostly all “privately posted”. My MOM reads this because of the weaving posts, for gossakes!
    Help me out here,dear ringleader! I do have deep dark hidden things to share, should anyone care to read ….

  2. I say, (like a Hallmark card might) do what feels natural and good for you. Life really is so f-ing short Hy. Just make a commitment to yourself to do whatever makes you feel happy. That is all that matters.

    Je t’aime,
    Dawn

    • I don’t know. He texted finally. 30 hours it took him. And then he just said, “Been busy snowboarding. How’s the kitten?” Texting makes me insane. There’s no reason that I can think of that would excuse 30 hours of silence and then no explanation other than a grunted sentence of an activity. I feel like we’ve just lost a year of progress… not the crash, I don’t think, but who knows?? Maybe he had an epiphany on a mountain top?

  3. You ask great questions, Hy. Nikki and I have asked similar ones. How long are we going to be sex-charged kinky kittens blogging about our exploits? (Totally joking about the kitten part. Don’t tell Nikki I said that. She’d kick my ass.) I don’t know the answer, and it scares me to ask it. I also think that if we’re not writing about what we love, then why the fuck are we writing. My hope is that we all work it out. In the meantime, I LOVE your photo. Now I know why they invented robes. xo

    • You’re so sweet, Heather, thanks so much for your kind words! I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. Am I even dissolute?? I’m kinda boring, if you ask me. All “committed” and shit. *sigh*

  4. I’m in the same place. No contact from him since Friday night. It’s the first time in 5 months we have gone a day without SOME form of contact. Very disconcerting.

    Being a woman in love without a commitment is hard.

    • It’s extremely hard! I’m sorry you can relate, girl. The acrobatics required, the emotional fortitude necessary. I feel like a fucking warrior half the time. I hope you hear from him soon.

      I finally heard from TN 30 hours after the last text. It was a grunted text about how he’d been busy snowboarding. No “Sorry, cell reception sucks, been meaning to text you. Had a great day on the mountain. Can’t wait to come home!” Stupid. I hate this shit. :)

      • Yeah, it’s really stupid. I feel like a warrior, too. I am now at 51 hours with no contact. Part of me is angry (okay a big part). Another big part of me is worried. Maybe his wife found out – what will that mean? Or maybe he isn’t thinking about me, doesn’t want to talk to me, or doesn’t care to take the 5 seconds to reach out. I’m not sure which one makes me more nervous/upset. Irritated doesn’t even begin to describe it, though. I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to answer if he does text me tomorrow, and I’m not going to sign into the messenger that we normally use. I don’t appreciate being treated this way. However, the sad part is I will probably cave. This really sucks.

      • Oh, shit. You really are in the middle of a shit show. I’m so sorry! Ultimately, you’re entitled to your feelings; go with them, but be sure to be measured with what you share. Since he isn’t “yours,” it’s how I approach these things. It’s hard, but it’s one way of staying protected. It’s also the price we pay for shifting relationships. :-/

  5. I so understand this feeling “It also irritates me. Then I get irritated that it irritates me.” When Sir and I were still apart it irritated me no end and then I just got irritated with myself for that reaction… a terrible viscous circle of increasing annoyance at the whole damn thing! I never really found a solution apart to really work hard on focusing on all the good stuff as much as possible

    Mollyxxx

    • Me, too! It’s hard, though, when it happens for days. I can only be existential, I’ve discovered, so long as I get regular injections of contact. MUCH harder without it. Almost impossible, really. I don’t know how you guys did it! xx Hy

  6. Your words have tauched me so strong. Being apart always brings irritation . But doing wright by listen to your heart and a little bit sense of reality might work huge difference to your life.
    Somebody said that you’ve got one life . I would also add make your life beautiful and happy.
    I love your image . I think you have dedicated it specially to HIM.
    Xxx

  7. I can feel the anxiety through your image; unfortunately, that feeling won’t be soothed until he is back. But why not try to keep your mind busy with something active. I find cleaning helps me keep nerves at bay. Hugs and kisses, Hy. :-* xxx

  8. Lovely image and several feelings that I know well considering I’m all about monogamy and Bad Kitty is faux poly (he doesn’t want more relationships, just sex with others). Every time he goes out I get a bit squidgy but then I get frustrated as I told him I would try to adapt, and I’m not by his side. Sorry if this seems like therapy or whinging. I’ve got a reasonable handle on things, just trying to express that I do know these feelings.

    • No need to apologize! I’m glad you shared! It makes me feel sooooo much better to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with similar feelings. Hugs to you!

  9. Drat! I hate lost opportunities. Were I traveling to your area now, I’d totally try to take advantage of your wanton, hussy self. ;)

  10. It’s a hard spot to be in, especially if there is temptation. I see so many similarities between us, except I count the hours we go without talking to prove that I’m not codependant. I usually fail… somewhere around hour ten or twelve, be it by my hand or his.

    Keep cool, darling, you look a little tense, if not still beautiful.

    Xoxo

  11. You can only open your hands…and see if he comes back…intact.
    If he does not, you never…etc etc..
    Castration?

    It’s probably him just being man-dumb, playing out with his hung-over friends.

    Love your taste in dressing gowns.

  12. I’m actually a bit confused this time, which never happens when I read your posts. I don’t know if you appreciate the time reflecting without contact, or if you are mad?

    Let’s be honest here, there is no way in hell he stopped thinking about you, whether he texts or not. You are gorgeous (that photo is beautiful, erotic, and suggestive and vulnerable) and you are beyond intelligent. What he wants is you to be ok with his absence, not feeling left out or left behind.

    He must not believe he deserves someone like you.

    • Actually, I’m mad. It’s insensitive of him to disappear and only send cryptic, late night messages. No, “Sorry, I haven’t texted. Cell reception sucks. Been having a blast. Can’t wait to come home!” Instead, just text equivalents of fucking MAN GRUNTS. And he KNOWS how this makes me irate.

      It makes me wonder if something terrible has happened to him (I seriously thought he got injured or something) or if he had some kind of epiphany and has decided he wants nothing to do with me — which, ok… g
      here we go again.

      Anyway, he gets home at midnight tonight. I don’t expect to hear from him. Therefore, I won’t see him till tomorrow night. I’m not texting him again, either. It just sets me up to be ignored again.

      • It is really unfair that he can set off this wave of insecurity, he should feel more responsible to contact you. Power play city. Totally a kitty pouncing at the feather that gets pulled away every.single.time. hmmm, you know how you realized you have this 90 day cycle, maybe it wasn’t you the whole time but him? Or because you remained calm this time he did the freak out.

        Sorry I didn’t understand at first, I’m still drunk and other stuff (*wink*)

      • I guess I should have gathered that too, bad judgment on my part. So are you going to give him hell or accept this? Such is a problem without that committed relationship, feels like you just accept or move on. Neither choice feels good. Bah. Huge hugs girl.

      • Gonna keep my mouth shut about it. No way to ring it up without looking a fool, in my opinion.

        And you don’t do anything wrong by not knowing all this! Maybe I was too obtuse!

        Thank you for all your thoughtful posts, G. They’re more helpful than you know.

  13. I think you should give TN the benefit of the doubt here. He’s with “the guys” on a weekend, and there will be lots for them to do. No one wants to be seen (by the others) chatting with wives/gf’s when the boys are out together. It doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of you. Besides, I think you both need a bit of a break. You are sounding like part of an old married couple :)

    Mike

  14. Pingback: I send love notes. | A Dissolute Life Means...

  15. I find the words difficult to digest and they contrast with the spectacularly erotic image in such a counterintuitive way, the post is most thought provoking. Thank you

  16. Pingback: My political career is ruined. I have too many tit pics on the internet. | A Dissolute Life Means...

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