No boobs from me today; Boobday will be back next Friday. If I took a picture of my breasts, all I’d see was a broken heart somehow being mocked. Only by using my body with my lover do I feel better. Sharing an image seems rude and callous. Icky.
I don’t know much more than I did the other day except that perhaps she was keeping much bigger secrets than any one group of friends could ever know. However, she left little crumbs of despair. Everywhere. But like only one little ant, it seemed so inconsequential when you saw it, except in reality she had a mountain of them teeming within her. And no one fucking knew.
I’ve kept this news of my dear friend limited to those who knew her, The Neighbor, my mother, and you, my Internet Boyfriend. Funny how that works. I’m grateful for all of you and your kind words. I would hug each of you tightly in return if I could. I feel blessed to have you in my orbit.
I requested a “savage fuck” today from TN. I didn’t want tender. I wanted body slamming blows to punch away my sadness, hair pulling to cause a different kind of tear, a spank to illicit a different kind of sob. He delivered and I have the marks on me to gaze upon and smile sadly. It felt good and I felt alive and not a little guilty.
I’ve thought of her every hour since I got the news, sometimes more. I feel frozen and helpless and void of thought and words. It’s already all done and there’s nothing I can do. It’s just over. Like the end of a record, only the end came because someone dropped a goddamned Volkswagen Beetle on it, not because it hit finally ended on the center.
The chaos of her death makes me feel unraveled and adrift. I would certainly be doing something asinine with my body if it weren’t for my love next door. If you don’t believe me read the archives starting on October 2nd, 2010 and ending August 13th, 2012. I use sex to mourn to live to numb. And a partner-less Hyacinth hunts it down with determination.
I gave up looking for someone other than the partner I had next door some time in November of last year and we have grown closer each day ever since. What a novel idea to calm myself and focus on one man for a change whether he wanted me to or not. And today, I know he wants me to.
God… what a fucking waste. I don’t get master plans or destiny or fate or any of that bullshit. I only know we live, we grow, we die in any number of fashions and some of them jarring and distasteful. I just wish I could catch my breath on this one. I feel like the sucker punch will never go away.