Don’t envy me.

It’s boring to keep saying I have an amazing sex life.

But, I do.

I can’t help it.

I live next door to a young man who has grown exponentially in the almost two years we’ve been dancing inside of each other. He knows the switches to flip, the dials to turn, the words to seethe between gritted teeth.

He’s mastered contrition and acquiescence with a look and a softening of his bones and he’s become fluent in my language of sensitivity and large need.

I was asleep before he came along, walking through a dream. Now I am awake, the breeze slick on my eyeballs, the birds in my ears, the flowers tangled upon my face.

I cannot go back to less than this. I will die. Like I was dead before him.  A hull of a woman.

It scares me, this new Technicolor life I have with him. I don’t want it to go away.  And that in turn terrifies twice over.

Does this mean I make compromises I shouldn’t? That I roll when I should dig?

Should Love be a part of my vocabulary, fill the space around me with its sound and feel? I believe I feel it, but I never hear it.

Does my fear of loss keep me from asking for what I really want?

::

I cried to him the other night while faced with the terrible thought: him or my baby? Of course, there is no question, no hesitation, my baby would win. My child needs me to fight and advocate, to protect. The Neighbor has permission to be a part of our lives only, but he’s not in it. Not yet.

“You need to understand that Peyton is innocent, TN, and I do not appreciate the way you’ve been behaving around my baby the past couple of days.” The tears leaked down my cheeks as I said the sad words. “You will not be welcome here if you can’t be better. That child is everything, my number one priority, and it’s my job to keep it that way. Do you understand me?”

He looked at me silently over the chess board he’d set up for us, shocked.

“Anyone in my life would feel honored to read a bedtime story, but not you. You roll your eyes and run out of the house on an errand and an excuse.” I paused and put my head in my hands again, then lifted my tear-streaked face to his waiting one. “Please, please, tell me I have this all wrong and that you do care for Peyton, that you care for the little heart that’s in that body and that you don’t just ‘endure’ the child.”

As the words left my mouth he jumped to respond.

“God, no! No, not at all!! Hy, I’m so, so sorry if I’ve made you feel that way. I just didn’t want to be around anybody tonight. No one! I didn’t mean to roll my eyes when Peyton was talking to me. Please, you’ve got to understand I’m just in a really terrible mood!”  He sounded sincere.

“Then don’t come over here. Don’t do me any favors. If you’re in that bad of a mood to not see the perfection and love that’s in that little person, then stay away. You’re not welcome.” I said it gently, but with a mother’s righteousness.

He nodded that he understood and I cried some more as I remembered my own stepfather, the eye rolls, the impatience, his lies and deceit. And how little I felt, how useless and empty.

“Or maybe,” TN suggested quickly, “You’re dealing with someone with absolutely zero experience with kids.” He let that hang in the space between us.

“Is that the case?” I sniffled, hopeful. “Really??”

“Yes,” he said earnestly, almost panicked that I might not believe him. Then he seemed to have a sudden idea, that maybe this was going in the wrong direction.

“I like being around Peyton, Hy, but I don’t come over here to play with your kid, I come here to be with you. You know that, right? There’s a difference. ” As if to say, Don’t make this more than it is, Hy. We’re still just “having a good time together.” “But, I do enjoy Peyton’s company. It’s just hard for me sometimes.”

I nodded sadly, but I felt better  I get it.  Little kids are nose-picking, million-question-asking, innocent angels.  It’s a tough combination for the uninitiated. “I’ve never dated anyone while I had a kid before, TN. This is new to me. And you and I have,” I searched for the right words to convey “idiotic”, “an unconventional, non-traditional type of relationship. We’ve never discussed Peyton before in relation to our relationship before. We needed to talk about this.”

He agreed.

“I don’t know what Peyton see’s at my ex’s and with his girlfriend. Am I modeling the wrong kind of relationship by not having certain things??” Namely, the unspoken Love and commitment that TN and I never discuss. “Does it matter? Does our loving, positive, sweet relationship make up for what it’s not??” I let the questions hang and TN said he didn’t know either.

Then he said he was a little hurt that I didn’t seem to see any of his sweetness with my baby. He reminded me about how wonderful he has been over the last year he’s been in our lives. The long talks, the patient playing, the sweet hellos and goodbyes. And it’s all true. He’s always been good to my baby and Peyton loves TN like any little person can.  He’d only been noticeably cranky with my sweet one for two days.

I don’t know what kind of impact he’s having on Peyton in the bigger picture.  Peyton would surely notice an absence if we separated — like when the neighborhood stray cat finally disappears: Where’d Kitty go?  Hmm.  Ooh!  Look at that bug!  La dee da — but my baby would be ok.  It’s my job to ensure that people’s’ departures don’t cause the house to crumble, after all.

We smiled sweetly at each other from our chairs and I giggled my relief, happy we had survived this small tempest.  I felt closer to him.  And then I nearly beat him at chess, my first game ever.

::

Are moments like this a bigger deal than I make them out to be because I don’t want to know that TN, my sweet lover and love, really isn’t a good fit for my life with my baby? Do I make excuses for him?

My amazing sex life — and my easy heart — have me confused.

So, yes, I have a lot of great sex, but I also have a half-cocked heart and a muddled relationship. It’s not all roses for Hyacinth.

When you read about my hot encounters remember I never hear, “I love you, Hy.”  I don’t see love in his eyes, I don’t plan for our future together.  I don’t hold his hand and I don’t even know if I should invite him to my baby’s upcoming birthday party.

::

In the days that followed, it seemed that he made special efforts to connect with Peyton and with me.  My shaky worrying about the state of our affair abated.  Just a little.  I felt lighter, back floating on a little cloud of denial.  Or maybe it’s real happiness.  I honestly can’t tell.

Big, juicy cock, fingers in a cunt, eyes locked in lust, tears slipping into the shells of my ears, blooms of orgasms that opened my soul.  Just the usual bullshit in these parts.

“I’m happy to know you,” I said one night, curled in his nook, tears wet on my face, as my body fell back into place. It was my “I love you.”

He sighed into my hair, maybe he kissed my temple. “I’m happy to know you, too.”

Perhaps it was his “I love you, too.”  I don’t know, but the sex was good.

It’s always good.

37 thoughts on “Don’t envy me.

    • I know that I paint a very fairytale-like existence, but I don’t want to be so one dimensional. Yeah, I get fucked a lot, but so what?? I fear paying my bills every month, long for love, and question my mothering daily. Ha!

  1. Kids – the wild card in life.
    Well, it would be a game changer if TN was not comfortable with Peyton. After a year, it is not something you could usefully ‘discuss’ – it is now as it. I hope that works out, you have put a lot of time into this one:-)
    Or whatever it was.

  2. i can feel your pain and anguish in this. i wont even pretend to understand what you are going through as a single mother. but as a mother myself, i can safely say that any decision you make that is in the best interest of your child will never be regretted in the long run.

  3. Hey, don’t forget your son is not his son. When I argue with my lover about my children, I’m arguing about her children. If he tells you you’ve mistreated your kid, he’s not talking about his kid, he’s talking about your kid. No matter how perfect your relationship might get, this won’t be fixed, eespecially as long as his father’s still present, and that’s something I know you don’t want your son to lose. So, you have no choice but to cut TN more than a little slack unless the two of you agree to make your own babies, at which point his kid(s) sibling will be important to him.

    and for fuck’s sake, if you love him, just tell him so. He doesn’t have to love you backto make your love real.

    • I’m not sure I follow. TN doesn’t have a kid and my child is an only child. TN was, to my eye, not giving Peyton the respect I wanted to see. I’m sensitive to how he treats my kid and how I perceive the treatment in general.

      I never want to see eye rolls just because my kid wants his attention. That’s not fair to the innocent one.

      At best, any man in my life will be a brotherly, uncle, sibling, grownup to Peyton. Not “the boss,” but an adult. I’m the boss and me alone. There isn’t one person in my life (and I have many) who would be rude to my child like TN was those couple of nights. That’s what I’m saying No to.

      Re: saying I love your. TN has asked that I not tell him.

      • Begin lecture.

        Yes, you have only one child, not TN’s, and TN’s only interest in your child is his interest in you. For what other reason would he value your child? He stated very clearly that his interest is you, not Peyton. He doesn’t love you. Do you comprehend the depth of debasement required to express affection physically while remaining emotionally attached? Despite claims to the contrary, this is not normal in men.

        Both these attitudes – stated priority of your child and acceptance of sex without love – keep TN at arm’s length, and reinforce the emotional distance between you. I’ve discussed with you previously that having TN around at the same time as your child is not good for your child, and by extension, for you, despite your desire for a companion and lover. You are attempting to have your cake – a sexual relationship without love – and eat it – a sex partner who respects your child – both at the same time.

        A word about love: love is patient, love is kind, et cetera. [I am atheist, but do not object to truth.] It is also not exclusive, nor confined to sexual partners. I love many people, but I fuck only one. My copulation with one person does not limit my love for others; it does limit the time I have available for others, and THAT may limit the expression of my love for others, including my sexual expression. Practically speaking, one cannot love everybody: love absent action is a meaningless emotion, and one cannot act in love for the whole world.

        When one is free, one may devote time to only those one loves and ignore others. This, I think, describes the time you spend with TN. You love him. He may forbid you stating the obvious, but it’s TRUE. He also wants to have his cake – love and expressions of love – and eat it – deny personal responsibility for all the natural consequences of a relationship.

        Also, love does not set priorities; priorities are set by freely accepted responsibilities. You are responsible for Peyton because you have chosen that responsibility. That responsibility entails many risks and rewards, which I won’t bother enumerating but that perhaps you should. So, you have a pros-cons list for Peyton. What does TN have, according to the narrative you’ve presented? Pro: I get to fuck a woman. Cons: 1. I have to feign love. 2. I must feign interest in another man’s child. 3. I must endure occasional discussions regarding our “relationship.” 4. I must risk sexual disease with a woman who isn’t sexually exclusive. 5. I must risk a violent encounter with her ex-husband. 6. I must risk she retaliates against me with a criminal charge or social consequence when I tire of her and replace her with a younger woman. I could go on…

        All the above “Cons” mat be overcome by “I love her and care for her welfare.” Without love, he’s got less than shit. So, he loves you. Make him deal with it.

        Finally, I believe you’re mistaken about your priorities. If your son was your priority, the only thing that REALLY mattered, you wouldn’t risk him for any reason. No lover would ever meet him, or you’d have no lover at all. What you’re really trying to express to TN is that he’s a (perhaps THE) priority right now, and that’s what’s giving you mountains of angst. You need TN to accept responsibility for Peyton if you and your ex-husband meet for coffee to arrange Peyton’s life and you’re both gunned down by some criminal, or killed in a car accident, or you fall down the stairs. You need to know that if you discover you’re pregnant with TN’s baby, he won’t drop you like a hot rock and ask for proof the baby’s his (and he would, unless you’re exclusive). You need to tell TN, “I’m devoted to you and only you,” without feeling guilty that Peyton isn’t your priority, and that can’t happen unless TN is similarly devoted to you, and to the things you value, such as Peyton.

        This is all about what you want, Hy. Do you want love and devotion from TN? Will you give it in return? Because from what you’re telling us, it seems the only thing you and TN are withholding is truth: you love one another. Do something about it. You’re the elder adult; from where I’m at, it seems you’re stringing TN along. Don’t sweat the details, but get your feelings settled.

        And if he really doesn’t love you, move onward. I love my business clients; if I didn’t I’d never do good work for them. Don’t neglect the many kinds of love, nor forget that love isn’t about sex. Will you still love TN if his dick fell off? That’s love.

      • Whew, tteclod! You sure did open a can of whoop ass on me. I’ve been thinking about what you’ve said the past couple of days and I take issue with an idea of yours. I totally disagree that TN shouldn’t be around Peyton. I also totally disagree that I should keep my sex and real lives at opposite ends of the spectrum. Peyton meets everyone in my life: old college friends passing through town, old grad school comrades, people who will later die and never come over again, current and ex lovers.

        It’s my job to be responsible about the impact they all have on my kid and just because one of them is putting his dick in me (or letting me squeeze her breasts) doesn’t mean they don’t get to be a part of the rest of my life, which happens to include Peyton from time to time. Of course Peyton doesn’t know who’s who, but it doesn’t matter. My kid can handle transience and if Peyton can’t, then I’ve really failed to teach my kid how to handle life. Nothing is certain; no relationship, no life. Get over it, right?

        So I wholly reject the idea that I have done something wrong by introducing Peyton to someone who cares about me and who’s cool around my kid. The bigger picture this post was about was me wondering if I’m making excuses for TN because of our great sex life, not whether or not he should be in my baby’s life.

        Your Pro and Cons list isn’t right, either. Perhaps TN can claim the first 3, but not the last. Certainly not the last. I’ve been exclusive with him from the moment he asked it of me, my exhusband would never be violent, and what criminal charge would I press?? That’s silly!

        And yes, I want my cake and to eat it, too. So what? TN has assured me that’s pretty much what I have, but I put it out there to my readers because I don’t want everyone thinking I have a perfect life. I struggle, I wonder, I worry. At no time has it gotten to any point at which I needed to end it because Peyton was being somehow injured. If I ever see that, it’s done with immediately. As of this moment, Peyton adores TN and loves having him around. The second Peyton doesn’t want him around, then he won’t be around. Done deal.

        Lastly, I greatly appreciate your thoughts on Love between us. You’re right, I need to pull the trigger. But, I’m terrified. I can’t help it. Your question about would I love him if his dick fell off echoed in my mind for days and I’ve come to the conclusion that Yes, I would. I didn’t realize it until you asked, so then it really is love. Thanks for helping me to clarify my feelings for him. And thanks for the lecture :) xx Hy

  4. I guess that if we are having great sex or not, at the end of it all, everyone wants to be loved. This idea bums me out because I have spent so many years being loved and having no sex. I like to think that I can separate the two and somehow, it’s not working for me either. I love my husband. I love my lover. (I knew that was gonna happen! SHIT!) I was thinking I could put Sex and Love in two different drawers, pulling one out when I felt the need…

    Children break my heart because they are such reminders of my own childhood. That is why I have never had any. You have so much to give Peyton. You are doing a wonderful job, I’m sure of it.

    Bisous My Hy,
    Dawn

    • I guess you’re right, sweet Dawn. We all just want to be loved at the end of everything despite what’s happening in the middle. Oh wait, is that really true?? I dunno.

      I’m glad you have so much love in your life AND a lover. Is there something wrong with that? :)

      Loving someone other than your kid’s father is weird. Like, alien almost! And since I have a bad history with a new man in my life I’m extra sensitive about it. Thanks for your support, as always. I’m lucky to have you in my little life! xx Hy

  5. So complicated. We don’t envy you. Parts of your life are wonderful and the sex is obviously hot, and that is great. Can you hear the”but” coming?

    But, there seems to be a huge hole that you need to be filled. He is only part way into your life. The holding hands/I love you/Can I come to the family thing way is missing, and you want that. He’s been around a while now. Things have progressed, as you say. But …

    We’ve over-simplified a bit, of course, and cannot know your relationship like you can. As ever, we wish you well.

    • Aw, thanks Silverdrop (et al – hehe). I feel like I’m a lesson to others about love in a way. Just because you feel it doesn’t mean it solves everything like it does in the movies.

      Every once in a while I just question my path…

  6. Ugh, the shitty part about being single and a parent…every thing we do has to be questioned about whether it’s good for them, and we will always wonder if we’re doing the right thing…it’s hard, and I absolutely get it…I gauge whether the person I allow my boys is good for them or if what they’re seeing is ok by their reactions (mine are 8 and 4)…if they don’t want him to come around…if they ask questions directly related to my behavior…things like that, then I know something isn’t right…

    But on the other side of that, I ask him if he’s good with a weekend spent in a hotel room with 2 boys and me…and no sex…no D/s…no whatever…and I watch his reaction to see if it matches his actions and attitude…by the way, it was a lovely weekend… :)

    That’s all we can do – and we can still get it wrong…of course, you have the added issue of loving a man who probably does love you and is too scared or too obtuse or too SOMETHING to admit it…

    But when you fear for Peyton, take a look at your baby’s reactions to TN and think about the questions you get (if any) that could be attributed to what Peyton has seen…that can probably tell you all you need to know…

    • Thank you SO MUCH for this post, Kayla. Doing this sex thing AND being a single mother is difficult and I rarely, if ever, talk about it, but I’d like to open up to my readers a little more about the complexities of my life and not be quite so one-dimensional: sex sex sex great sex sex sex and so forth. Boring!

      I also greatly appreciate your advice. Peyton ALWAYS wants TN around and doesn’t seem to be negative affected by him in any way, BUT, I am just extra sensitive. You know how kids hide their feelings sometimes to please their parents? Yeah, well… I don’t want that to happen.

      So maybe I overreacted the other night, it’s possible, but the point was mostly about my inner conflict. My happiness crossed with the non-traditional nature of my relationship, its effects on my child, etc., my desire to be with TN vs. what’s right for my baby. You know exactly what I’m saying, by the sounds of it.

      Many hugs and thank yous to you. xx Hy

      • I think you had every right to check in with him based on your own observations of his behavior…I would have done the same thing. I’d be more concerned if you weren’t hypersensitive…

        It is hard…we do the best we can for our children…my only hope is that however I screw them up (it’s a given, all parents screw up their children), they can recover from it as adults.

      • Thanks, Kayla, I appreciate it. And yes, we will absolutely screw them up somehow! I wonder all the time at how stupid we all are to have kids (the pressure, the worry, the responsibility) and then I take a look at my beautiful, perfect child and I know that somehow it’s all worth it :) xx Hy

  7. Pingback: I held him in my arms. | A Dissolute Life Means...

  8. I won’t say you should do this or that, how would I know? One thing you said here stuck with me – “If you’re in that bad of a mood to not see the perfection and love that’s in that little person, then stay away. You’re not welcome.” I said it gently, but with a mother’s righteousness. – I’ve said a version of that myself at one time or another, and I think it echoes Anisa’s comment nicely. Besides, what better love is there than that of a child? Ignorant to our imperfections and often our struggles; in their eyes we are everything, and in ours, they are the same. I would venture to say that Peyton will (directly or indirectly) help keep things clear and in perspective as long as you put him first. That’s not to say that you can’t have fun and keep your cup full or let it “runeth over,” because there’s always the funny way that we have to see to ourselves in order to put others first.

  9. Life and love can be complicated. It seems it’s never what we expect. But you have the right priorities, and you’re asking the right questions. You’re doing the right stuff, protecting your baby, enjoying what’s good, trying to see what’s really happening, not just what you’re supposed to see. So you’re suffering for being open — good for you, it’s how you grow. I really hope this all evolves into better and better things for you, Hy.

  10. I think that whenever a person decides to lead a life or take on activities that are outside the “social” norm, and we have children, we are always thinking about how this can possibly affect them later on. For instance, I have no shame for what I do or who I fuck; but I don’t expose myself completely because I have a child, and I don’t want to shame him in the process of doing what I want. These questions and concerns are expected; only a parent (especially a mother, since we carried that child) can understand the utter exclusivity that is parenthood. Until children are responsible for themselves, whatever we do or they do is solely reflected on us and what we have taught them. We become the mirror. You are doing a great job, Hy. I hope it never comes down to a choice, because even though I know who you will choose, what you lose will hurt immensely. And people don’t understand that you lose more than sex; you lose something that was for you, and really only yours to enjoy, because with parenthood comes great sacrifice. xxx

    • Well, we hope that people do, right? I’m sure there are plenty of bad parents out there who don’t think about their life’s effect on their kids (hell, you know that first hand!).

      Thanks for your kind words about my parenting. I rarely discuss it, but it’s an ever-present part of my life. Even my fucking life somehow. It has to be. xx Hy

  11. Pingback: Friday, September 20th, is Boobday! (Plus updates) | A Dissolute Life Means...

  12. Pingback: MM: Top 5 Woman’s Fantasies, Soak Your Nuts, and Real World Blogging | filled and fooled

What say you?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s