I do what I can.

It’s not much, but here’s a little piece of me.

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And to be clear: the post from yesterday is not a true life account of things between my father and me.

Dreams are often metaphors of our real lives and that therapy office and the relationships I thought I had with those male figures represent the space of this blog and the trust I have in all of you not to hurt me as I expose everything to you.

I’d like to think that my critic, Jiminy Cricket/Sonofabitch, didn’t mean to hurt me or make this space feel unsafe to me, but that has been the result. Even exposing my body today or for Boobday is a struggle.

I’m
fighting to be here, but it’s difficult knowing that whatever weakness I have in my walls of defense (that allowed my identity to become known) is still there — waiting to be found again — and maybe this time by a less benevolent individual.

I feel trapped, but I’m working my way out of it. I promise. Please bear with me.

23 thoughts on “I do what I can.

  1. I didn’t mean to imply in my comment on your last post that I thought it was real. I just know that even the wildest of dreams often find their ingredients in our realities.

    Has Jiminy Cricket let you know how s/he found your identity? I would hope that his or her benevolence would at least extend to letting you know where, exactly, the chinks in your anonymity are/were. Perhaps that would help you feel a little more at ease.

    • It certainly would make me feel more at ease so I could at least shore up my defenses and better protect everyone in my life and this blog.

      And I didn’t think you were, though there was some confusion with some :)

  2. A friend of mine, like you, posts beautiful pictures of herself on a regular basis. A few weeks ago she started showing her face and I was stunned. When I asked her how she was brave enough to do that, she responded that she was happy with who she was and what she had become and if someone from real life saw her naked and recognized her so be it. She was happy with what she was doing.

    That is the end of the spectrum and each person needs to find a balancing line between the rewards of writing, posing, sharing with the risk of discovery. But what if it happened. Stand up and say, This is Me, and I’m happy with who I am and if you can’t handle my happiness, my beauty, my courage,then shrink back in your little cave and stay out of my way.

    You are beautiful, powerful, and damn entertaining, so stand proud, and I, WE, will stand with you.

    • Don’t worry, I feel all those things that you describe ([mostly] unafraid of repercussions, etc), it just doesn’t feel the same for some reason. I don’t “know” who’s watching me anymore. My anonymity was the feather in my trunk and I need to work through that.

  3. I’ve never commented before and I only discovered your blog one week ago, but I want you to know that I spent 4 DAYS reading your entire blog!

    You have a large and supportive group of followers and I think I speak for many of us when I say that if you need a break you will be fully supported even of you decide not to come back.

    If you feel unsafe and shaken up still you don’t have to force yourself to be here. Your mental health and well being come first and you don’t have to feel that you are being selfish or brash for making a decision to take a break or not write about certain things, you are your own woman!

    You are far stronger than I could ever wish to be and I look up to you for that. No matter what your decision is, you are fully supported by so many people. I really hope this chapter of fear ends for you and that you feel sound soon.☺️

    • Wow, Hi Jane! Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I seriously can’t believe you spent 4 days of your life reading my shit! haha Oh, but it’s also a little bit awesome, I’ll admit!

      I am taking it slow, but feel like I need to push myself a little bit lest I disappear all together. It’s challenging continuing to be so open knowing I’m not anonymous, but I need to own that. It was always a risk, after all.

      Welcome and I hope you stick around!!

  4. It’s a long climb, but we’re all at the top of the gorge, waiting for one way or the other. I’d love to throw you a rope and make it easier if I could though.

    Xoxo

  5. You have my support as well, Hyacinth. Stay strong and stand tall in this and just don’t let anyone steal your joy or make you cower in fear.

    You know you have many people who are just as willing to stand by you – we are all here for you.

  6. & what a beautiful little piece it is Hy…
    We’ll bear with you for as long as it takes…. & I must say, that when I first learnt of your identity being discovered & you feeling threatened, I felt my heart lurch & my hackles rise in your defense…although anonymous to me & nearly all your followers, you are much loved & cared for….

  7. I blathered on about your previous post. I’ll just say that your blog is a fine thing for people to read. And, with all due respect as a virtual friend, I need to say that today’s photo is an extremely beautiful piece of you, so thanks for sharing that with us.

  8. You know how we all like little pieces of you!
    Thank you for sharing, your pictures and yourself, so openly. I’ve said it before, in various ways, but you know how much what you do here has helped me, and undoubtedly many others. I will be eternally grateful to you for that.
    Now as Many have said already, you take whatever action is right for YOU to take at this moment. We will live with and support you through whatever it is.
    XO (and I really mean a kiss and a hug, it’s not just out of habit!)

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