I used to be of the mind that love is a cruel and wild beast prone to moments of affection rather than docile, long-term cuddles with only the occasional outburst. It was a tough mount to ride, but I was stubborn and determined to stay on and now it’s all a lot more gentle.
Every thought and feeling I have is bared here and you will likely become frustrated with me as I go right when you really want me to go left. My only apologetic offering to you is my lascivious, raunchy tales along the way. And boobs. Lots of boobs.
The story goes like this: In the fall of 2010, I separated from my ex-husband and began fucking my way through grief and sorrow finding solace in a cock between my thighs. When I felt bad, I went and fucked. Sad? Got fucked. Happy? Got fucked. It was a simple equation. I never thought much about it beyond the fact that I had a need and I wanted to fill it.
While doing all this liberal fucking my heart began to ice over. I ate men for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. In the fall of 2011 I hit a wall. I was formally divorced and the cocks weren’t filling me up so much as they were splitting me apart. I decided to take a snapshot of my dating life and follow those trails to their ends.
Originally, there were four men, but more than
a year 2 years later I am still entangled with one of those men, The Neighbor. The ubiquitous young man who used to taunt and tease me but now has finally admitted to loving me.
Some day, I’ll tell him I love him. Maybe he’ll say it back. We are in love and it is a goddamned miracle!
It all started as just friends, I fell for him, he didn’t fall for me, he broke my heart, we kept fucking, I fell in love again, and now, he really and truly loves me back, although it turns out that he loved me all along.
I wasn’t monogamous when we started, but have been for the last year or more. I feel weird and often have the itch for Strange, but I manage my cravings through a belt to his bottom and talk of swinging.
He used to say he would never date a divorcee, a mother, someone 9 years older. I used to say I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t appreciate me. And look at us now. I’d like to think he thanks his lucky stars each day we’re together. I know I do.
We still have some quirks about us, though: he refuses to sleep over with me, we are shy to hold hands, and I’ve never met his best friend. But what we lack in conventionality, we make up for in passion, caring, laughter, and companionship. He’s wonderful with my friends and my baby (who’s hardly a baby anymore) and he is a bulldog when it comes to protecting me from the elements of life. He’s a complex, interesting creature who happens to have chest hair that would make Tom Selleck proud and my heart still skips a beat when I see him walk through my door.
If all this is confusing, though, I suggest starting at the beginning of our affair. Good luck with that!
My heart continues to fight for equilibrium. Life isn’t about forever — it’s about now — and no one gets to tell me how to live my life or who and how to love. If I seem stupid for staying without a commitment, you just need to know I fully embrace the old adage of it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. Also, it’s none of your fucking business how I do this.
Here are some pertinent posts about me that you may not find unless you troll through my archives. I believe they tell you a lot about me. They’re in no particular order. They just stand out significantly in my memory. A Dissolute Life Means…
Here are some of my most commented-on posts:
And here are some other popular posts:
I’ve made some lists, too: Rori of Between My Sheets has named me a Top Blogger 2 years running (Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012 List and Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2013 List) — which is a huge honor for me — and Kinkly’s included me in their Our Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheros.
I encourage discourse, disagreements, and dialogue. You may email me privately or make everything public, it’s up to you. This is such a fucked up time in my life. I don’t know what I’d do without this space to create and be truly me: Hyacinth in all her ugly glory. I am a libertine.
libertine:a person who is unrestrained by convention or morality; specifically : one leading a dissolute life