Online dating brings all the fools to my yard: Don’t email a woman this shit

I’m not good at snark, but these fools sorta out-snark me without even me having to open my mouth. I mean, come on. If I were Snarky Snatch this would be an entirely different sort of post.

Now, mind you, in my AFF profile, I state clearly I’m not interested in anyone outside the age range of 26-46 or under 8″ (that’s inches, as in referring to their cock; has nothing to do with me).

In my OKC profile, I’m more “me” and fully clothed. I’ve heard I have a great profile, but I don’t believe any of it; they just want to fuck me and are trying to flatter my panties off. Ok, I get it. Next time I’ll post some emails that have worked. I think that’s an important piece on educating the public on how to do this shit because God knows the public needs educating!! Jesus Christ. It’s painful.

It’s not until I think about doing posts like this that I even realize the sludge I have to sift through each week to find just one decent human being to interact with (with whom to interact, whatever). I sometimes wonder if, like when I was a cocktail waitress at a titty bar when I was 22, my senses have deadened to men because I see the worst on almost an hourly basis.

In any case, these are some of my favorite DON’T FUCKING DO THIS emails from this week. Enjoy:

AFF:

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red7618
53 year old Man
do u like older guys?And like to be licked!!!
May 26, 2012 11:49 AM CDT
Hello my name is David, I am looking for ONE woman who really gets off to being eaten and lick. I am a Very oral guy could eat and lick pussy for hours. If any of this interest you, I can also be reached by IM on yah– as bigo000.
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dan76
55 year old Man
Hello
May 26, 2012 7:20 AM CDT
Good morning, Great profile, sounds like you have been hurt before and i’m sorry that happened. I do not meet some of your requirements but decided to write to you. You are a sexy lady and do not worry about a size 8+ i love women that are not skin and bones. hope you find what you are looking for. I can not send a face photo because I do not want it on this sight but is you are curious I can send one to a e-mail, but I will send you my profile.
Dan
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golithept
36 year old Man
hi
May 20, 2012 6:34 PM CDT
Fuck ur so hot wish u were closer I’d have u ride my face till u came over and over
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iceman
41 year old Man
Hi
May 20, 2012 5:08 PM CDT
Im kelly! Well u definetely have some nice boobs! Wanna see the rest! U wanna text?

OKC:

1. An invitation for a gang rape/bang. Clearly he was tasked with finding the entertainment for the weekend and he didn’t call the escort service ahead of time:
Ha. How are you? Big plans for the weekend?So, I am in town through Monday with a group of about 10 awesome guys from Chicago (area) and we rented an amazing 30 acre house with pool, etc. for the weekend!! Fun. We are a bunch of goofballs; fun guys and we will be hitting the town or having a party here.

We’d love to meet some fun girls! Is that you? And your friends maybe? Anywho, just looking for fun people to show us lost deers around…

Call or text me? 773-xxx-xxxx if you find yourself wanting to join the fun??

Keith

10% Enemy 71% Friend 83% Match Message from Wife-Hunter

2. I never mention Vegas in my profile. This nimrod cut and pasted from a previous email to another woman:

Hi There,
Your profile looked intriguing. Vegas, pretty cool! I bet you have some interesting stories. Anyway, I wanted to say hello. My name is Jon, and I thought you were attractive. I’d like to get to know you. I am a real person…I know the online deal can get weird at times. If you want to talk more, that would be awesome. I hope to hear back.

25% Enemy 64% Friend 63% Match Message from Spree

3. Never mention FARTS in an email to a woman. Just don’t:

HEY Rose*! This weekend I was thinking of robbing a bank, fleeing to the Ocean, and faking my own death (SCUBA tanks in the trunk).. U in? P.s U should probably bring sandwiches or something tho, no egg salad cuz its smells like farts….

25% Enemy 60% Friend 80% Match Message from Beastmode

4. The never-fails-to-impress-email:

=)

8% Enemy 36% Friend 86% Match Message from Cailkirk

;
UPDATE: Had to add this one I just noticed on Match.

20120527-005941.jpg

*Don’t worry, Rose isn’t my real name. It’s just mentioned in my OKC profile and they all assume it’s my name. Again: dumb. Like I’d have my name on a free dating website for all to see??

I’m wooed by grammar (and back on AFF).

It probably comes as no surprise to you that a well-written (and read) man is a major turn on — the use of a semi-colon sends me over the edge — so it’s always a great source of amusement for me when I get emails that sound like the sender is trapped under a tractor, has only 5 minutes to live, 3 fingers with which to send his last message, and 30 seconds to do so.

Or maybe he’s jerking off so hard at the most beautiful photos in the whole goddamned world that he can’t think straight or slowly enough to put a real thought and sentence together.

On Tuesday of last week I jumped back on AFF.  After my horrible date with Mitchell on Saturday and the upheaval I felt with The Neighbor throughout the week I wanted to peel away all the artifice: I’m looking to get fucked by someone.  Bonus points for him being interesting, intelligent, and engaging, but for right now, I want to fuck away some of my free time.  I’m a goddamned libertine, after all, remember?

And AFF is good.  It’s good because everyone just presents that secret part of themselves that they otherwise have to weave into a casual encounter with someone from OKCupid, for example, or over the produce section (I’m thinking of you, Bi).  On this site I can say that I’m not interested in average sized cocks and no one is going to crucify me for it.  I can also admit to having a high libido and being mildly kinky and I will attract those men who like it.  It’s an automatic opt-in scenario and I don’t have to waste any time in opting them out.  Or getting date raped.

But (and there’s a big but), the caliber of people is, well, different.  I don’t know if being more open sexually and trolling for hook-ups necessarily injures one’s level of competency, but I swear to God, it sure seems like it.

Where are all the people like my blogging friends and readers??  The sexy, highly literate, intelligent, and thoughtful sexual beings looking to get railed? Are they just not existent on the internet?  Am I the only one braving the ridiculous half-sentences and hideous pics just to find a diamond in the rough?

I think they’re hiding behind eatpussy4hrs or bignhardcummer. 

However, I have culled a few from the herd.  I have a date or two lined up for next week.  Feels good to be back in the saddle, y’all.

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xxxxxxx
36 year old Man
xx
May 20, 2012 6:34 PM CDT
Fuck ur so hot wish u were closer I’d have u ride my face till u came over and over
6
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xxxxxx
41 year old Man
xx
May 20, 2012 5:08 PM CDT
Im kelly! Well u definetely have some nice boobs! Wanna see the rest! U wanna text?

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xxxxxx
32 year old Man
xx
May 20, 2012 5:07 PM CDT
Whats up hru cutie.
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xxxxxx
46 year old Man
xxxxx
May 20, 2012 4:45 PM CDT
You have a beautiful body . Hope to see more . Your favorite fireman
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xxxxxx
19 year old Man
xx
May 20, 2012 4:31 PM CDT
Lets fuck mami
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xxxxxx
45 year old Man
xx
May 20, 2012 8:27 AM CDT
I liked what I saw in your profile, and I would appreciate if you responded to this message. An expression of your interest in sharing ideas and common interests with me would be greatly appreciated.
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xxxxx
46 year old Man
xx
May 19, 2012 11:05 AM CDT
Have to say, I enjoyed you sexy pictures. You look delicious to kiss all over. Whis i had an 8″ incher..but how about a 7″ and i luv to lick a juicy kitty. LOL